Are You My Friend

So last night I put someone on "Restriction" on Facebook, because I've realised they weren't my friend. They were just pretending to be my friend. I can't exactly get rid of him, because well I'm friends with his friends.

What makes this strange, on my birthday (which I invited him, because he asked me to), he never showed up, and I bumped into him later that night. He was sobbing to me to fix his pain. I fixed it. I thought he would wish me ''happy birthday''. He just walked away instead.

I put this down to, “okay he is a bit drunk”. And then he did his stuff and wished his other friends “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”, less than a week later. So now you’re thinking, Sunny you’re being sensitive again. Yes, I am a bit sensitive. But I did turn 30 and that’s classified as a big one, right? So in my mind, I have the right to be a bit sensitive, I mean didn’t I absolve his problems on my birthday? All I wanted was a Happy Birthday? And nothing else!

Sigh, I was so focused to be his friend that, maybe I never did read the signs that he never had any intentions of being my friend. Maybe all this time I was in the wrong.

So I’m back after a long sabbatical, I kinda needed it. I hadn’t realized that I was still grieving. Still am, but I’m feeling stronger enough to put thoughts onto paper. After many successions of pain this year, I’ve realized that I may have stretched myself a little too far.  And because I’ve stretched myself too much I let the ball drop and then let it crush me.

So now, I’m going to write a list and focus one thing at a time so that I don’t fall behind.

Happy Birthday Jamie.

It’s the afternoon and of course, Sydney summer is sweltering.  As we jumped on the trains and trammed to the Casino; tah-dah!  “It’s your Birthday Present! I’m going to take you GAMBLING!”  He was pleased, but unsure. His version of gambling is slot machines? No, thanks I’m an Eastern Suburbs girl, when we roll, we roll high stakes!

So, we exchanged our money for chips and we started betting at the tables. Apparently he had a system – a non-effective system by the way. As we bumper-carted the tables I was wining, wining, wining! He was losing, losing, losing.  So, I decided I will play with those pitiful slot machines to make him feel at ease. He still lost, as I won!  YAY!

Getting frustrated with me, I decided to throw cash his way; I was up by a grand! He still lost it all. You can still guess what I was doing! So he came up to me and said “I’m going to play it safe and pick red or black. I have one in two chances.” I replied that it was a ridiculous idea, playing safe. So, I revealed my system after he lost again!

“What day is it Jamie?” “Friday?”

“No. It’s your birthday silly. I’m betting your numbers. 16-11-79. Age 22.”

He replies with confusion, “really?”… “Don’t you know you are meant to play your birthday numbers They are your lucky numbers”...“Oh, shit yeah” He puts his last chip on 16, I did my birthdate 4. It landed on four!

Errmmm… We have dinner reservations, let’s go.

Standing the Test of Time

I've been friends with my best friend Stephanie, since I was a fresh face teenager. The truth is, we were never friends on the first day we met. Our friendship blossomed and took its time. I honestly believe that she is the only person I've ever did the whole relationship with another person, right.

When I first met her she was a mess; I was a mess too. Reaching into our teens was awful. We were both subjected to bullying and family life was not perfect. But we both had a friend in common, who was the opposite of us. This friend was consistent and grounded and gave us some tips. But Stephanie and I relationship stood the test of time. We taught each other art of laughter, being silly, kindness and healing.

As the years went by in our teens, we bonded and cared for each other. We also started to be real with each other. I still remember meeting up with each her, after school in the shopping centre eating donuts (something we both would never ever dream of admitting eating that crap now). Constantly roaring and laughing about something naughty, checking out other blazer school boys like us, blazer school girls. Most of the time they wouldn't look at us, we didn't care; we had milkshakes and donuts! The truest of fact.

We're now getting older, and hopefully a little wiser. We've gone through so much, but what breaks our hearts is the fact we live on different sides of the world. And everyday we look out of our window pain wondering, “what is she doing?” So, frantically we email each other on our phones about anything, but most of all our deepest darkest secrets. I tell her to be a little kinder and she tells me to stop dreaming. I'm a idealist; she's a realist.

Most of all she is my bestest!

Wanting to Shine

I was always the shadows. Always someone else, person. I never was invisible, I was always visible. I was always partnered up with someones identity. I’ve never understood why, in some ways I still don’t understand why I that happened. I do have a bubbly personality and I love to smile everywhere I go. I know I am happy person.

But growing up, I was stuck in the shadow, it’s cold and dark. People always called me any other name accept my own. I’ve always asked, “why don’t you remember my name, I’m louder than them?” The couldn't’ give me a response. I try to shine brightly, but people squashed it. Apparently l was not allowed to have this.

I remember, in high school people put butter and pepper in my pencil case everytime I stepped out of the shadow. I had a lot of incidences like this. I cried a lot growing up. But then the I meet a boy who taught me to stand up for myself. And everytime I crawled back into the shadow, he pushed me out there. But I always stayed under his wing. See, still in the shadow. Then the unthinkable happened. He left.

Alone, suffering and living in the shadow. Now, no one is forcing me in the shadow. I’m forced out in the sun. But I don’t wanna, cos, I don’t know how to? So, I look deep down in my soul to find the answers. And it told me to shine from within the shadows.

Here I am, starting to shine; hopefully. But I’ve noticed that the shadow is no longer a shadow, but a room and the room is no longer a room but open air. And with that open air  there is a whole world, people who are starting to shine out brightly in the shadows; just like me. I’m trying to connect with them. And they are trying to connect with me. I want them to walk out of the darkness like me. And shine and bathe in the sunlight.

Here we as individuals, no longer crying, no longer living in others dreams or ideals. We are free.

Where am I? I’m starting to shine. Brightly. Hey, I did start by adopting the name Sunny.

Broken Us.

So I went out last night, and it was unexpected. But as I was just hopping around from one place to another, my friend wanted to dance. Sure I'm all for it. But when you want to go the dancefloor and it's kind of dangerous and it smells, why would you want to be there, just becauce you think it's an easy access to meet guys?

So, I dragged my friend away from the dancefloor and come up to the open air terrace to meet people. She didn't want to, because her belief system is, “you can't meet guys like this?” I'm curious about this statement. I proceeded to tell her if you keep still and make yourself available you will meet a guy. She cries out “I am available, and I don't look like you!”

Okay I am a petite size, but there is hundreds of girls out there who are, but attracting a guy is not about being the hottest thing on the street, it's about keeping still and allowing the flow of your true energy reach out to the masses. Yes, I do send out that “I'm available signal”. But not I'M AVAILABLE! I just send out, I'm approachable for a chat, and I'm a bit silly too! I allow myself to glow from within. Or is that just me?

Anyway, as we were upstairs having a chat, she was still upset, because she wanted to meet guys at the dancefloor, even though some guy hurt her on the dancefloor and ended up crying. I'm confused. I don't understand why she would put herself in that much pain! I mean the dancefloor gave a whiff of bad egg smell, I thought that would have given her a red flag. But it didn't, she still continued to stay on the dancefloor to meet a guy. Even if it does seem like a really bad idea.

I guess us sisters are broken, I wish I could fix it. But I can't but I will just stand her guiding her.

Becoming an Adult.

I've been under a lot stress. I'm becoming an adult, this is very scary for me. I've always had someone to hold my hand and guide me; they were their to catch me, I trip quite easily. I don't know why? I know I can do it, I'm a fairly strong individual, I'm also quite hapless too.

Right now I've got bills to pay and I'm doing it properly for the first time. I also got a car with insurance on it -with my name on it, yes I did the research myself too. I feel glad. Its kind of like; I'm gaining self esteem. Strange huh? I wonder why this is. I am a very partnered type character. I'm always with some one. I guess this is the first time I am completely alone.

I think thats what it is. I'm on my own for the first time since I was a teenager. But can you really call yourself actually single when you are a child? You do have parents looking after you, feeding you and telling you what to do. I rather think not. You are still partnered, or reliant on others for your well being. So, really I've never experienced singledom/adulthood until now! WHOA, I'm nearly 30.

Now I'm nearly 30 in a few months, I've learnt how to drive and can drive. Paying my own bills, finishing off my degree in Business (finally) and gaining friends who are a lot more mature than I've express in my past 30 years of living. The only bad part about being an adult is the stress of it, but I like it. The stress has giving me independence and self esteem that I can do it. Finally.

Changing the way you look?

So you want to be loved? You think there is some one out there for you and yet you don't at the same time? So you sit there crying to your friend why you are not loveable and the friend tells you, you are. So what do you do? You wallow and change something about your self. But what change do you do?

I have meet many friends down the road and they think (including myself at some time or another), honestly believe that their looks will be the thing that will attract a mate of some sort. But it never does really. I mean, sure you could smarten yourself up towards the potential cos, thats part of it. But what I am talking about is changing your whole outside being. It doesn't make a difference, I could have bigger boobs, bigger arse and longer and blonder hair. The thing is, will it, still attract that mate you so desire? No. “WHAT!” You exclaim? Here I tell you why.

Thats not the real you. Nobody wants to be some one who is fake. People want the real you. The real you that has those crazy quirks thats unique to you and you alone. So you don't have big boobs and he teases you about it, but if he is confronted by a woman who has big boobs, it may make him very uncomfortable and off running to the hills screaming. Yes boys have their quirks too.

So I'm going to tell all of my friends now. You are beautiful just the way you are, and if you want to change? Change the choices you are making, change the type you keep on chasing and change the way you think of yourself. Be the real you.

Under the Sky

What did I do under that Pluto Moon Sky? (Moon in Scorpio). I did what people usually do, I hung out with my family. But there is a difference here, I have never really truly meet them. Only online or pictures. Sorry I lied, I have in fact meet one person, for a brief moment in time. And thats when we sealed the deal. We were the same.

I still remember when I walked in the doors of the hospital, my grandmother was dieing in her death bed, my whole world was ending. But then, a woman appeared; we did our introductions and she gasped out loud. “You look like my daughter”. Hmmm, okay crazy new Aunt? I have another Aunt? Wow, happy 18^th to me!

Lets fast forward to the present (A-hem 12 years later), in fact to this weekend passed. My family lives scores apart and so my brother, newly found Aunt with her 2 daughters and me with my kid, decided to Skype each other in different timezones. So here we are, lunatics talking to over each other and typing away to each others because we got bored and made fun of each others conversations. You get my drill. Just like family you see on the telly! Crazy happyland.

The funny thing is, technically we have not met in the flesh yet. Okay my Aunt has met everyone, lucky! But I haven't; left out... oh so cruelly. But here we are, talking like crazy, like we have always known each other from birth. Laughing. You know what, we have so much in common. I remember looking at my family before I ever knew them, knowing that there was something missing. A missing person in my life. And it was true, it was them!

So what does this have to do with Scorpio moon. Well, we all have a Scorpio in our astrology charts. And they are all conjunction with each other charts and to top it off, Scorpio moon in the flying sky. Family REVEALED, lonely past is burnt to ashes and our family Phoenix is born sky high.

Welcome to a new wave: Our Family. Yes, my daughter has Scorpio too!

Trying to write

What happens when your muse is gone? I find it very hard to write and punctuate what I want to say. In fact I've many, half written blog posts just waiting for me to complete, but I can't; I feel half full. I've got to get over this stump. So I am pulling out all of my tricks to the trade and do it. I don't if I will be able to get it right though.

It's so easy just having someone who will support you even if they think its weird or strange. I know so many people were very object to this blog. Thats including my muse. I guess what gets me stumped, I never appreciate him for his support and he is gone I'm lost. This makes me so sad and mad. But if he was sitting next to me he would smack me across the head, and tell me to finish it, with a huge sigh. That really bugged me, his sighing. HA-HA-HA-HA!

I will summon the strength to get it right for myself, be my own inspiration even if its the toughest thing for me to do. I'm trying to fix this problem, I'm not very good at fixing things, that was his job, But I'm good at beating the odds - my job. Maybe this is how I should look at it, beating the odds, because the odds are I will write; the odds are I will be inspired and the odds are I will fix it. How do I know this? I just finished my blogs post

She Smiles

I have noticed something funny, young love. The kind of one where they are too young to understand that they have a connection. So they play and chat together, just hanging out with each other because thats all they want to do. Life is easy.

I look at them day by day, she sits downs tells him stuff, he stand in front of her playing with his brand new ball then starts to sit next to her and responds to her ways. Oops, there's his friends coming up, he just waves and still sits with her. She smiles back. They both get up and start walking around the neighbourhood; the boy gives away his brand new ball to his mates to play with, just to hang out with her. They are sharing secrets.

The day is growing old and tired. But their moments have just being created. The street lights are starting to flicker, their names are being called in the background, its time to come home. She leaves first as her mother said so, she turns around smiles then waves good-bye; he waves back and both staring at each other until she turns the corner.

Its the next day, he knocks on her door and she smiles.

Convention

My mother was a  DJ and was good at her job. But she left that career choice for a life that was more “suitable”. She had children you know, and a single parent.  To me I thought this was a wrong choice, even though I was very young at the time, but I knew that this was my mother. Her true self.

She has taught me how to speak on a microphone, listening to the beats and rhythm of a song and compose myself in public, whether I liked it or not.  As the years grew and she did a 9-5 dead end job she grew more and more unhappy. Unfortunately this affected us as children, I guess having family members passing away didn’t help matters. But you would think this would have given her a wake up call to do the things you love: Life is short.  Yet it didn’t.

I feel for her. Because I know that most of her misery is due the fact she made life choices that was deemed as conventional, and when you are a unconventional person, living the conventional life; life is hard to maintain. People around you suffer, like us kids did.  We never got to know our mother as a happy one, well she was only around for a short time. I only know her in my mind as “miserable”.

So now I am making life choices, I have to decide whether I follow my dreams - unconventional  choices or do what is conventional by society standards. I think I am going to learn from my mother mistakes. Take the route thats tough and scary. I may get a few fingers wagging at my face, though.

Life is short, you know?

Putting You On Hold

People like to put people on hold. I call them inconsiderate. Okay this may sound like a rant, but when you think about it, it is annoying. I have things to do and places to be. And then they make it out that you are inconveniencing them or you don’t have your things in order. You do, because you have it all prepared.

So I don’t want to go into details but I just want to pose a question. If they put you on hold does that mean you are not important to them? It just might be.

Now I am not talking about corporations, I am talking about the people in your life. They say they will do, but never fulfill. This is very heartbreaking for me. As I always put my heart and soul into everything I do. This is bred into me, this is where I come from. But now I see that this may not be a very good idea as people don’t see life this way. I think they see life as:  whats more important first, then the rest.  Am I the rest?

Well, personally I am not the rest. I think I am pretty nice. Maybe I could be wrong, and have my priorities all wrong. And if I do, I will figure it out pretty soon.

Multi-Dimensional

I have never been very good at injecting myself into society. Well, thats what I think. I guess most people would say that I am, personable? Maybe this is true to a point. But I don’t really like this type of description about me.

The other words that coincide with this personable word, would be composed, well put together and just a nice girl next door.  I really wonder at people. I find it that people judge others without actually getting to know them. But they really can’t be bothered to really to get to know another unless there is something they will get from you. Be as it, you may be a good looking trophy or another step up on the ladder of looking good. BORING.

Now, I will admit that I love getting to know people on a deeper level. People may not like this, but I really want to know the person; alas, most people don’t want you to know them, so I lose out.

A really smart person told me, after I scared the living daylights out of all of his friends.
“People don’t really want to know all of the answers to their questions, they just do it out of being polite. Just stick to the weather and say “yes” and “no” to their questions”. This is when I knew that people will never really know me and I won’t really know them. This makes me sad, but I understand it. We are all guarded, protecting ourselves from harm. For all they know I could be a crazy person planning to destroy them buy humiliating them. (Yeah, I don’t get it either).

But the fact remains as it is. I can’t quite inject myself in society so easily as others, I don’t have the constructs of lighter minded person. I just want to know too much. I just want to show the world that I am multi-dimensional.

In the Cover of Night

So I have had a few bad days that has added up to, a few weeks. And its late in the evening, more precise, its midnight. And I am having another glass of white wine because I deserve it.

As my whole world has being crushing me, I realised I need to take a break and just let everything go. I put on my 90’s childhood music and drank some wine to get me in my silly dancing mood. That was a kind of fun till I got bored. My world has been very dark lately and nothing seems to be lightening up.

Then I hear a barking noise from outside.

It was my  dog, barking. I called her in and she ran away. So what do I do? Start chasing. In the wet grass with half a bottle of wine in my system. Running around, slipping in the grass getting filthy because the dog is slipping through my wet slimy hands. I can’t stop laughing. Why? It’s totally insane. So I do this for a few minutes in the cover of night, pissing myself with laughter on my own, filthy and my heart is pumping from all of this chasing. My dog decides it’s a game and she has her toy in her mouth. She play surrenders, then runs away. I catch her, whilst intoxicated.

I have come to realise that in our darkest moments there is light, it’s just are you willing to see them? I am, even when I am covered in mud; in the middle of the night. Or could be the fact I got a little tipsy silly too.

Meeting Love

I wonder if some people have ever experience “fated to be together”. I know I have; meeting someone under the influence of the fate sisters. Boy, we had fun, but in every happy moments, we had our losing moments. That was the hardest part. Most of the time I ran away and he ran towards me. I always needed to be saved, he was the Knight of Cups in shiny amour slaying my own conjured up dragons.

Oh, young love. It’s such a pleasure. I sit here laughing about it, with it’s glorious pain.

Now I am going to tell you that when you do meet someone, that is fated to be with you, your own soul speaks out to them and their soul speaks out to you. Even if you leave them at that moment, the soul wonders off looking for them and you just catch up, a few moments behind. Our human minds don’t understand this, we are not meant to. But then you have you ethereal side of you; who knows more than the universe it’s self. Guiding your deaf ears and blind eyes towards them. Really, I can go on, but I won’t.

Once you realise you are meant for more than a moment, your souls dances around the two of you and sings it’s song, while you’re fighting with your human minds because you’re both stupid. This does not mean that you don’t love each other, even if the world thinks so, you’re just both stupid. But once you stop creating dragons and he puts down his sword, life becomes a fairytale.

But didn’t you realise that you’ve been living by the sword and now you will have to die by the sword. He turns around and says “you have all you need to know”, and proceeds down to the draw bridge and gallops where he is needed, never to return. But he leaves his sword behind, just to remind you the good times and the bad times. So what do you do? You pick up the sword and slay your own conjured up dragons.

Lately I’ve noticed some bullying. People are forcing their ideals on me. Given the fact I am dealing with loss, I’ve have allowed it. So yes there is me to blame for some of this, but I know that I am being taken advantage of right now. Well, actually I was up until a few days ago when they mentioned my daughter. Thats a fast way to snap out of your twilight zoned brain.

After I woke up from my loss slumber, I realised whats was going on. People were telling me what to do and I just agreed! Thats not me at all! I like to go the opposite of what others think I should do. Because usually they are wrong. LOL.. I know, aren’t I bad?

Here I am fighting in my corner, this tiny little thing. And boy, do I have a voice and a mind. I was told by the person who recently passed that, when I fight, I go straight to the jugular; sure I have no fear. So I told those people the truth, honestly and simply in its beautiful rawest form. They have stepped back. Lets put it this way, I never raised my voice, nor rude towards them. After all I am a person who has manners too.

In the end, I am collecting myself and happy to do so. I guess, that these people never really took any notice of me before and now realise that I not a girl: I am a woman and a mother. Doesn’t that tell you not mess with me. ROAR!

Understanding My Dream

Last night I had a nightmare. I understand that there is a lot going on in my mind, dealing with loss and the aftermath of it. But thats another post when I feel stronger to write these things down.

My dream entailed a lot of horror flicks in it and then there was the doors. I was running through the doors and trying to hide for my safety and I couldn’t because the other person was pursuing me.  Now it didn’t end well; but it didn’t really end at all, to tell you the truth. The thing that I noticed from my dream is the fact there was many doors. Thick, bolted doors made from metal, some of them were made for storage refrigerators. Yes, this does seem strange.

What I noticed was, I have many hidden doors in my mind that I hide in. And the person pursuing me (most likely me) was trying to tell me to come out and deal whats coming. Now I understand that I have to, I mean we all do. The thing is, when you actually see your own doors and hidden rooms; it’s such an eye opener. I never realised that I hid so much of my self.  

It was my dark side of me, screaming at my light to come out. I was retreating. It explains why I have not been on this blog for a while. So sorry. Now I am going to come out and reveal to the world more  about myself and not to retreat. It is so easy to retreat and allow the dark side of your mind take over. Thats not me, I’m jovial: I’m a Sagittarius!

My Loss

So recently I have been dealing with loss. It’s hard. It does change you, you can feel it. I don’t know if I am ready to talk about it, I do feel fine, but crying all day and night for the next ten years,  is not going to solve anything or bring them back. I have cried till there was no more tears and now I have to get up from my chair and carry on.

I understand that every one grieves differently and I am not a wallow-er, this is not my style in fact I’m calm in a time of crisis. Some people may view this as cold or upstanding. But the truth is this is how I deal. To me I detach. I think this is wrong. I do feel, in fact I feel till I bleed out; I bleed out fast. And then detach. I’m trying to process the hurt and the pain into happiness. And tell people happy stories of what they were like, silly and funny. I try to celebrate them. I guess this is what you may call: What does a happy-go-lucky person do when dealing with a devastating loss.

The thing is, it is changing me, especially since this person was the main thing that kept me stable. And now I have to learn to be stable by myself. I am not going to fall from grace. No! I have a daughter. I have a family; her family died. We need to honour and do what he wanted if he were alive and that is to live and live your dreams.

Song for Jamie O'keeffe.

Grandfathers Gift

When I was 6-7 I stayed with my grandmother during summer months and spring months (this is my my birthday and Christmas time). My grandfather had cancer. A man in my memory; is dieing. I understood that when I was a child. The happiest memory I  have of him was me standing on his hospital bed showing off my new white laced dress with frilly socks and white baby jane shoes. I remember telling him “do like my dress?” He smiled. He smiled alot in the early days.

In the hospital my grandfather said, he wanted to buy a toy for me. I was happy about that. He then presented a soft toy, a Care Bear called Sunshine. It was bright yellow and beautiful and the latest must have toy, for all girls of my age. I was so pleased. He told me that this toy reminded him of me. I guess I was his sunshine? I hugged Sunshine on his hospital bed in my white laced tulle dress. But I knew it was impossible for him to get out of the bed to buy it. But his sister, my Grand Aunt, said that she bought it for him but he told her exactly what to buy. This is really all his idea.  I have no idea why she said that. Maybe I said something, I usually do. So goodbye I said, with my new best friend Sunshine. My first present and only real present he gave me, face to face.

I visited the place often and complained about the bad smell and why was he always tired. Then one day I saw him staggering in the hallway, one arm on the nurse and the other with a walking stick. He saw me; ashamed and defeated.  That’s when I realised he was not going to make it and the visits stopped pretty much after that. His smile now a frown and the to beyond.
                                                 ..........................................................
So it was time to pack up. I took my Sunshine on the airplane with me and buckled her in and said to my Mother she is my favourite toy and we’re going on adventures, thats why she is next to the window and we did. I currently don’t have her anymore as she is with my mother, but I have her and him inside my heart.

And thats why I nicknamed myself Sunny.

Selfless

I wonder if people understand what it means to be self less. Most people think it’s an act of sacrifice; I don’t. I think it’s an act of giving. But what is an act of giving? To me it’s a form of love, and when one person gives to you selflessly and you do the same thing, it is something of magic. I consider it as love.

I could go on about being selfless, but the words really explain it all. There is no hidden meaning, but I do think people do need to hear the phrase.

Just be selfless.

(Also I'm not telling you to be nice)

Fixed My Computer: Small Victories.

Lately I’ve been sick or something has gone wrong. For instances, my computer is sick right now or at least it hates me. So I’m currently praying for the Technology Gods or Communications Gods to fix it.  Or I could just erase everything on my computer and start all over again.  Sounds like a good plan, but I don’t know.

So it has put down in the dumps and I want to fix it, it’s not working. I know the best thing to do is call some one to fix it. But I always do that, getting someone doing it for me. But this time I will fix it myself as it is about time that I do. So off I’m going to find a solution.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I fixed it!! OMG! It has taken me all day to do this. I went on the net a few times over to see what this means or what that meant. Eventually I got there.  I was so please and found out that it was some sort of virus; and I fixed it. This has given me a lot of confidence.

It’s strange how the little things in life can build confidence in you. I guess it is the little things in life that matters. I know that was typical to say, but it is true. I think this is restoring my faith in me again.  I’ve had so many knock backs lately, I need this little victory, oh hell, I’m going to bask in it.

I FIXED MY COMPUTER!!!!  I RULE!

My Styles Growing Up.

Oh I remember growing up, I had a new look every single minute of the day.  Being a teenager is very daunting and confusing.  I wonder sometimes what my mother thought seeing her daughter going from one look to another. Confused?

Since I was not allowed to touch my hair (until later) I did experiment with clothing. I went to hippie clothing to grunge to boys clothes to ravers all the way to geek chic.  But eventually I ended up as urban city chic at 19.  And thats when my friend Stephanie came into the picture to help me pick a look for myself. I started to look like a more together and sophisticated. Thank the gods I met her.

As I reached into my 20’s my life made a dramatic turn, I met my now ex-husband, had a child and moved to the other side of the world, still currently doing by the way.  With that, Europe introduced me to colours, shapes, patterns and drama. When I look at my clothes, it is a bit dramatic and subtle.  I say it has undertones, others don’t. I guess it’s abit old fashion but with a punch of flair. Eccentric for others.

When I was eventually allowed to cut my hair (16) I did everything that I could and it freaked my mother out.  I think she wondered if I would come back with hair at all.  I have come home with boy short hair. She was not impressed.  I guess it has to do with the fact she had very curly hair and well, I didn’t, besides my hair grows extremely fast and still does. The reason why I changed my hair so frequently is because I knew there would come a time that I will need to be sensible. Yuck. Right now my hair is a bob, a shaggy bob that has 1920’s-30’s feel. I kind of like this new look.

Now you are probably wondering why I’m talking about this. I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to talk about growing up. And finding your style in your appearance is part of it. I’ve had so many styles and proud of it too. I wonder what look I would have when "I like super old like??".

Me and My daughter

I love the show “Gilmore Girls”, this is my daughters and I favourite song (we have plenty more).  We sing this song together. What is this show about, it is a show about a Mother and Daughter growing up together.  Yes thats us, we are growing up together and dealing with life unexpected throes, but discounting them; because we have each other to laugh at it, with our spiffy personalities.

She is such a pleasure to hang about.  She is so centred and aware of her surroundings and I am thrown by her intelligence. I was never like her:organised. Plus, she has this uncanny talent to think before she speaks.  I can tell you that I don’t posses this gift. She is like that character Rory Gilmore but with more punch to her. Yes, that my genes being passed on.

Now, me with her. It is wonderful, we don’t have to say very many words to understand what is going on in each others worlds. We are linked. Sometimes I forget that we need to say actual words because it can be a bad habit.  But when we do we just get each other. So many words and feelings are expressed when we are together, our eyes just connect and then we hug each other. Conversation is done. Then we sing together.

But then we have those moments where, I explain the world to her, it can be so harsh for this gentle soul. She is gentle inside and out. Where as I can handle the crazy. Then she has those moments that she thinks I’m horrible and so is the world.  So what do I do when I’m in that situation? I sing a song to her, from the bottom of the stairs, whilst she has the door slammed in my face.

I sing out to her, till she sings back a response. There is this advert song I call out to her. Called “Thats Just Me”. And then she comes down singing... “That’s just me”.  Life can be a musical, if you allow it, well in my life it is.

Trains

So this is the post after my Full Moon Inner Crazy, I feel calm and sombre. In fact my mind has transported me to a time where I was back home in Sydney coming back from a trip and exhausted.  I remember walking down the stairs of the train station in heels, of course, smelling the electrical air blowing in my face. Feeling lonely and rushed.

When you are on those Train Stations stairs and Platforms, you think to yourself, when is this stupid train coming, you look at your watch, then the timetable.  Tick. Tock.  Tick, until the time goes backwards for that split moment and then you turn around. Wind is pushing against you and the light gushing towards you, screech goes the sound of the train stopping; time moves forward. As the people fall out, you jump in, standing there with a blank stare of discontent. Your train stop, you fall out. Home is where you walk to. And repeat the cycle again the next morning.

I woke up one morning and said, "I won’t come to this cycle again". I don’t want to hop on a train and be a person who has nothing but discontent of being rushed and lonely.  I begged for the universe to change this for me. It didn’t. I had to change it myself. I made decisions that would alter my life, you know the ones where you become selfish. That’s what I did.

When I decided to get off that train, and start living for me. People were so angry with me that they turned their backs on me.  I figure that, they were not meant to be. But I don’t care anymore.  I’m not on that train of discontent. I got off it and stopped the cycle unhappiness. It’s about bloody time as I’m getting too old.

Full Moon Inner Crazy

Okay, so right now my brain is buzzing away with ideas and thoughts about things, you know things I want to write about.  But I can’t seem to formulate my thinking on this page. Well, that’s really a lie, I've re-written this post about a thousand times, and if this was paper I would have killed a small rain forest here and there. And that’s not very good on my moral consciences. Thank goodness for technology.

I’ve got no idea whats up with me. I’ve been kind of isolating myself from the world and yet I am on other peoples forums and blogs posting my ideas onto the world.  I guess I just want to say things in small doses.  Does that make sense? Maybe or maybe not.  Most of the time I’m just depositing myself of inner exploring of the mind.  Ohhhh.... I’m lost.  I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about. Gosh!

But I will tell you what I’ve been doing lately, listening to the music of my well spent misguided youth.  It fills my vessel with joy.  That’s it really. I guess, I’m just feeling. I wonder if anyone else is going through this. Just feeling, waves of feelings.  I love it you see, giving waves of feelings and receiving; in fact I just love the word wave, it such a movement word of wonder. ha-ha-ha-ha.

I think it must be the full moon coming up. Cos, I sound crazy, in fact this post is all over the place. I better go before the crazy hole gets deeper!

My Issues

I have suffered from crippling chronic self - esteem issues. I was a chronic exercise junkie, serious dieter and a terrible people please-er! I couldn’t do it. I ran my self to the ground trying to be what every one wants me to be I forgot to be me.  

Everyone says, “well it’s because you had a kid at such a young age, you’ve kind of ruined your own life”. My kid? Is not the root of my problems? Never. I love her. But instead of saying that, I try to be perfect! Having the perfect hair, the perfect clothes, the perfect body and the perfect personality: a doer.  Does denial ring a bell.

Little did I realise I was just losing more weight and becoming more unhappy.  Nobody noticed it, why would they? I was always smiling putting a brilliant exterior of a indestructible armour. My marriage fell apart, fell into another relationship (re-bound), got knocked back in work promotions and friends did not understand.  So I left and went back home to find peace, but because I never dealt with my pain I just repeated the cycle of self abuse. Went to full time work, full time single parenting and full time mess.

I remember I was talking to someone about my day to day life and they all said “why are you trying to be super girl!” I’m trying to be perfect? No, I’m not. I still have so much to do to keep up with everyone. Hear that line “keep up with everyone”.  I was disgusted when I heard that. They don’t understand, they are totally together.  But little did I know more crap was about to happen.  Why? Because I never dealt with my mess.  Not even a cry in the dark.

One day a boy, checked me out, and liked what he saw.  And I felt sick to my stomach about it.  I looked down at myself and I was barely holding myself together, I mean there was nothing left of me, just a shell. Not just physically but mentally too. I was outraged that he found me attractive. I was a mess. So I ran home and thought to myself I have to do something about.

So I started to change at 26.

Decisions. Me Everyday!

When I make decisions in my life I really think things through.  I separate everything, I mean, I look at everything in the emotional sense, spiritual sense and of course the logical and practical side of a decision that is needed, to be made.  Yes, I do all of these things when making a life moment decisions.  I think about all of the consequences and then see if I can combine them into one, if it is possible. Otherwise, I pick out one decision that suits me for the moment in time.  Presto! Now, I have to deal with what life has to dish out!

But here is what I want to show you about me.  My thought process of every day making decision.

Task: Orange Juice!
Hmmm I’m thirsty I want some orange juice. Hmmm do I have money to buy it? Yes I do! But fresh is best. Do I have any oranges, yes I do!

Hmm... Homemade juice or bought juice? But that means I have wash up if its homemade, but bought, is full of nasty stuff like sugar and stuff, plus it’s not all real and no cleaning involved. But fresh is best and it has all this natural health benefits, but so small in quantity.  ::Sigh:: To walk or not to walk to the store?

Screw it! I don’t even like Orange Juice, I’m going to have that fake fruit flavoured sugar syrup and then douse it with water! My fave!

There you go, that’s me in a nutshell, I’m all nuts in my head! hahahhahah

I'm living for me!

I’m a dreamer, an idealist, I can’t help it. I float around believing that anything is possible.  I get a rough time about it, well mainly put down by it.  Too many times I’ve been told that this is the wrong way to behave and to be in life.  I don’t know why? Because isn’t the world already harsh enough.  Yes, I can get be very realistic, logical and practical! For work purpose only, who still has manners.

Honestly, I carry this dreamer idealist ethos in my soul. Where ever I go. People see this and think I’m nuts (who are jealous), others think it’s a breath of fresh air.  I don’t really care what they think about it.  I know deep in my soul it makes me happy.  After all isn’t that what we are all looking for? Happiness.  The thing is, happiness is not from a person or thing that you can obtain. It’s from within. Your silly limitless possibilities of solidarity. It’s great you should try it.

I really can go on and give more details, why it is so great. It had taken me such a long time to share this with the world, because it is so harsh, no! The people in it are harsh, not the world.  The world does not judge: only the people. Besides I’m going to live for me, not for you! So live for you!

I love this song, it always make me smile.

Your Name

What’s in a name? Does your name hold a magical key to your life? Does the name your hold power.  And does it describe you?

I remember in High School my English Teacher was discussing about names one day.  And she admitted that she like a certain type of name and how she does not like it shorten.  She claims that if you shorten or allow people to shorten your name you are giving your strength/power away.  I do believe she is right in most ways.  But what happens if you have a really complicated long name like myself?  My mother is a closet hippie.

I’ve shorten my name to suit my personality type.  Because my birth name does not really represent who I am as a person. In fact I’ve had a few name changes due to my life path.  So, as I got older I choose what I choose and that's it.  To me this is my real name, my full name in my eyes.  This is how people see me. My representation.

I do believe that what people call you, is some form of evoking a spirit claimed.  When you think about it we pass on a name from one generation to another to stake our claim upon this earth.  Don’t we say? “I’m a (name), thats who we are”. See, a state of claimed power.  Look at the Royal families and the Wealthy.  Their names are a reckoning.  Their name describe a path that must be taken. Have you followed your family names path. Good or Bad?

I know you will say, “but my family are drunks and blah, blah!” I’m talking beyond that, the ones that know who they are, and where they come from; your essence. People can pass on genetic material easily but passing on a name, and holding truth and strength behind it, that's something else all together. That's latent.

When I go out there in the world of Real Life, I state my First name and Surname with PRIDE. Because I know who I am, where I come from.  My name has power in it, it has created a path for me. I will echo my name to reinforce myself as a person.  You can tag me what you want, but I will state my name, C-L-E-A-R-L-Y. My name is me and it holds the real truth about me.

What does my name mean in modern day English? Song in the Woodlands.