My Friends

Friends; I have lost a few along the way, but I have made some new ones and reconnected with some old ones, in these past few years.  I really appreciate them more than ever now!  I think the ones I am friends with now are the ones who are for life.  Yes, I am at that age where you make real friends or just learnt.

I really enjoy having them around, I think they think I am bit strange.  I just happen to be crazy.  And I love it.  I want to infect them with my funny crazy me, as they infect me with their crazy personalities.  I am going to include the ones I have met on the Internet.  We all talk on a regular basis and ask each other for advice, shouting out to the new ones too! HHHHIIIII!!!!!

But basically this is just to say it is an acknowledgement for the people in my life.  They have influenced me in the most amazing way.  I have never shone so brightly till now.  Of course I can say, “it is because I am growing up”, this so true, but it was my friends who have given me the support I needed as well as a kick up the bottom. Don’t get me wrong, I have returned the favour, kicking them in the behind too.

My friends are the people who will dance in the street with you, allow you to sing off key, then reply “You are terribly great at singing off key!” Smiles. And then punch anyone in the face who thinks I am just terrible singer.

So right here is a thanks to my friend.  The other day I was sitting eating my lunch and the wind blew the packet of chips/crisp/potato chips and this strange young woman blamed me for throwing it in her face.  She verbally attacked me, so here comes my friend, she went on the attack for me.  And that young woman walked away, yeah my friends rules, cos I am such a wimp!

A Name Change

My friend hates her name that I gave her, fair enough.  So now, I am searching my brain on what kind of name to give her. She wants a name from a suburb we grew up in. Nah.. A name that will represent her, something really cool.  And here's a story.
                                                               . . .
The year I finished High School; that summer was sweltering.  I think I have mentioned it was the summer that I grew up, but I also like to mention that it was a brilliant year for me too.  Late at night I would go to her house; she's a night owl and you always know when you are approaching her house as the music is blaring away.  Seriously, no consideration for others at 10pm.  She is kind of obsessed with music, just like me.

I would come over and she would show me the new music she was listening to, I would remind her, “that was popular, last month?”.  But one night, she puts on Bob Marley, now I have never heard his music before, as my mother does not listen to it.  But this Bob song sounded really fresh.  “Yeah, it is my summer song” she replies.  And plays it non-stop.  It was modernised for people like me.  “Sun is Shining”, the song is called. By Bob Marley vs Funkstar Deluxe

For the whole summer I heard this song, next to others, but this song has great memories of her being silly and me making her laugh, by doing my very poor impersonations of others.

Now, what is her name going to be now? It is going to be Luxe, borrowed from Funkstar Deluxe. I wanted something that was cool and sweet. Whats the definition of Luxe? Elegant and sumptuous; yeah that sounds like her. Say hello to “LUXE!”

Here is our summer song! 

“Sun is Shining”, By Bob Marley vs Funkstar Deluxe I feel like I am 18 again.

Aerobics And My Friend.

I have a nearest and  dearest best friend who is totally insane!  Okay, she is really not that insane, I am. But her birthday is coming up in the next few weeks! The sad thing is that I won’t be there to celebrate it with her as I live on the other side of the world.  We have to thank god, for modern technology and so we talk on a regular basis. We email, text message (SMS), Skype (but she does not have yet! Hint, hint!!) and good old fashion phones.  So no excuses for us.

Now, what I would like you to know is, she is a gym junkie! Don’t get me wrong I like to exercise but I prefer outdoors and on a normal level. I remember she encouraged me to join the gym, more like forced me.  So here I am 18 joining the gym, and it is boring. Right there she decided that I should do this aerobics thing.  I suck at it. In fact it I mocked the living daylights out of it. They have this super sleazy cheesy music and the instructor is screaming “LIFT the those legs UP!!, Come ON! Move to the right. Grapevine”.  Clap goes the crowd, it sucks. So I just boogie in the back row, my friend is embarrassed and she joins in moments later.

Now after the aerobics class, there is still some more work outs we have to do! MORE!!! Yeah, like lifting those weights and stuff, then the stretching and sit-ups, don’t forget the running! When will this end.  But she forgets I am a walking talking klutz. Like I hold this pole thingy for the weights and nearly knock someone over.  In my defence it was not my fault, she asked me a question and I turned to her, it's just I forgot I had that pole thingy resting on my shoulders and there are people are around me in a small confined space. AHEM,We leave.

Now I know this isn’t much but we need an introduction to her.  I want to call her Miss Effie! She knows what I mean.  Also I would like to inform you she can’t cook, and tacos is not real food!...Private Joke! hahaha. And one more thing here is a cheesy song for the aerobics days.
Spacedust, Let’s get down.

Lesson One I think.

When I was young I grew up in a neighbourhood full of boys.  I don’t remember much as I was very young except for one memory: A boy.

He was taller and older than me and he had a bike, a two wheeled bike.  All the girls liked him, and I was no exception.  I followed him around the neighbourhood.  So one day I wondered away from my house and decided to look for him, I knew where he would be so I went to his friends house barely 7 or 8 years old. I walked towards the front yard and I saw his bike.  It was beautiful, I think it was red. He looked at me with his schoolboy thick haircut he smiled.  I think he was 12.  Everyone was there, I did not care, I hung out. Next to his bike and friends and laughing the summer away.

Some how we all decided to go for a ride and  I hopped on the front of his bike, and we sped around the neighbourhood, I was flying, with my hair blowing in the sun kissed air and he was laughing with poetic justice. I think I was in love.  We continued to do this during the summer time and the beginning of school, I would see him around and we would go for a spin on his bike or we would walk together side by side, he was so lovely and polite.  A gentleman in the making.
                                                                 . . .
One day I was going to the shop and I cut through the alley way, and I saw him standing there with a girl, who was the same age as him. They both looked at me and they were shocked or scared or nervous. I froze. I was a child so I can’t grasped these kind of emotions, I think they walked away, I still had to go to the shop.  But I felt sad for some strange reason.  I bought the milk for mum.

We did see each other from time to time, and stare at each other, yet we would continue on walking.  Even at that age I knew the rules of the game of love or at least that was lesson ONE.

Stuck on Growing Up

I have expressed that, I don’t like to let go, but in life you have to, as it is part of growing up.  Right now I am growing up, but I can’t let go of the old me.  I am stuck on her. Everyday I think about her, crazy huh?  I tried to give her the world but it was never good enough, such a young fool.

I try to confront and tell her that she can’t come back, my heart is sadden; yet the spirit is lifted.  I am missing her, I love her and I say to myself she is never really gone, she is here with me.  But my heart is breaking she wants to rule with me.  I know what I did was the right thing to do.  I refuse to be stuck on her, but right now she is letting go of me. Why? I do, want to grow up and be the new me, trying to explain it to her; the thing is, she is telling me to let go; she is crying, but is dissolving away into my memories. I am now creating new ones, with the new me.  

She is gone.

I am new now, but I miss her, so I will tell stories about her of “way back when” and all the troubles we, no, “I” use to get up too.  Hey, I may have let her go, but she is there with me in my memories, the inner core of my spirit as she made the person I am today, but she won’t come back, because she was never really stuck on me, that was only me stuck on me.

Heartbreak

So by popular demand, I will write about heartbreak.  

I hate to say good bye, it is so hard, it makes me cry and I never want to let go.  When I stood there in front of the man I loved, trying to tell him I can’t be with him was hard.  But little did he know that I was battling with this feeling for months, as he slept upstairs I was downstairs crying at the kitchen table trying to fall back to, in love with him.  He thought I was watching television.

In the dead of the night I would be thinking of the lovely things he did for me, the text messages he would send me.  I would smile and that would convince me till morning, but then he would wake up kiss me good morning, I would roll over and feel nothing and so the heartbreak would start all over again.  I knew I had to say something soon.

He came home from work, I struggle to look at him.  I stood there.  I blurted it out.  I don’t remember much as there was yelling and screaming and crying.  We were over.  Then some days later he asked me, “how could you just stop loving me?” I could not respond, he glares at me, “you want the whole world, you want everything, you can’t have it all”.  He is right, he looks down and says “I love you”. I was shocked, I stepped back and my heart broke, I felt no love. This was the man who I loved with the very fibre of my soul; gone.

In truth he was right I want the whole wide world, but the world I want, is not the one he can give me and that is my heartbreak.

It's not my fault I can't Bake!

I have mention that I can’t bake, well it is hereditary.  Yes, this is a piece from my childhood.  

When I was young and my Grandmother came over to stay with us (she lived overseas).  I was extremely excited that she was staying with me for a few months (forever in my head).  Then, one day she decided to cook or should I say bake us a custard thing with caramel. Yummy, Sugar!

As all good grand-daughters I watched her grab the ingredients, whisking away and showing her where all of the stuff was.  I got bored watching her so I tuned out all I remember that it was a sunny day and watching for my mothers car coming up the drive way.  “Huh? You have to cook dinner?” I think my grandmother kicked me out of the kitchen, thank god I was bored.

So dinner arrived, it kinda sucked, but that is alright I was use to have not having a great dinner (mum was a useless cook, still is).  Oh... the smell that was coming out the oven; sweet and caramel aromas, it is what you need on a cold night.  I remember the loaf tin coming out, and this giant yellow puff: We all paused.  My mother, Mr Saturn (brother) and me, stared at my grandmother and the puff, poor woman was shaking her head.

It was a giant loaf Omelette with Caramel! All I could do is look down and maybe they won’t see me! But I can’t, our kitchen was small I had no - where to run.  We can’t hurt my Grandmothers feelings, so we had to eat this sickly sweet thing with hot liquid sugar poured on top.  My mother was laughing; my grandmother was cursing and blaming something for something. To make matters worse the omelette was stuck inside the tin so we had to scrape out that thing and smile whilst we were eating it.

So you there you go, she can’t bake and neither can I!  So what was that dessert meant to be.
Crème Brûlée.

Nun lessons

Oh Gosh! There is a Robin outside my window!  I had a teacher in Primary School that had a pet Robin growing up. Huh? You can have pet Robin, strange?  But none-the-less, she did.  She lived in Ireland as a child and then became a Nun.  She was a strange, yet lovely lady who had a very strong personality.


She loved me this Nun, I was all over  the place and lived in a magical world (in my head) and she knew I was super shy but kind of crazy.  So, she took me under her wing to coach me to be strong, she knew that I would not be able to do this by myself.  So when I got in trouble for being not speaking out, she would point this out to me and showed me how to be strong.

I remember this one incident, I could not spell embarrass; just sat there at my desk.  Too scared to move, the end of the lesson was nearing and was forced to come up. I approached her desk, stumbling to say the words.

“Yes” she looked at me
“C-c-can you help me p-p-please?”, as I handed over my red spelling book.
“Whats the word, and how does it sound like?”
“Innn-baareess? It starts with an I?”
“EEEM-barraaasss!” she slithers out.
“Huh”, so confused? “Well Sunny, you just can’t stand there all lesson, if need something you have to ask straight away otherwise you will get no where! You need to stand up.” Then she proceeded to spell the word for me, and I completed my work quietly.

The next day, she put me in Choir and Cross Country. I had to perform and compete in front of everyone.  Now some people will say this is cruel.  But it was not, it was for my own benefit. And because of her, I would have never learnt to stand up for myself and lead a life I want to lead. She is my favourite teacher, even if she scares me to this day.

This was her favourite song.
Rocking Robin. Yeah I know the words to this song.

Hmmm Bullies

There has been a lot of crazy things happening lately, people are being their darker side.  Calling me names? Hmmm whats up with that?  I am not going to take it personally, I just going to remove myself from it.

But what do you do when a near and dear friend is turning evil on you? I look at myself first, maybe I said something wrong? But no, I did nothing of the sort, just being happy and jolly.  Then right then and there she cut me down and made it to a joke about it.  I don’t think I am going to deal with this any more.  What  will my mother say?... Okay, bad example she would look at both sides and say "I should fix myself first!" Ahhh No! Wrong answer.

I have been subjected to bullying before and I don’t bully back. Now we have Facebook and they want to friend me! Sorry I won’t, cos I remember!  Back to my friend, she is going through some tough stuff, but I refuse to be her punching bag.  And if you call up on them, they go all cry baby about it and twist it on you.  I can’t tolerate this behaviour. I am too old for this.  

You know I get, bullies have been bullied; that’s not me. I have been bullied and I refused to bully and to be bullied.  I won’t, I am an adult. I will take your nasty ways and turn it into some thing better. I will walk out with head held high and become stronger. Not going to lower myself.  I will fight back, in a different way.  Just wait, watch my space!

That song, that summer.

I am listening to a song, from my childhood.  This is not a song I like personally, it was a song a friend of mine loved.  And through this song it has given me my summer from way back then. Yes she played this song non-stop!

Everytime I hear this song I am transported to being 17/18 at the time; the summer was hot that year, heat waves and boys.  But most of all, I had to learn to deal with other peoples tastes.  Yes, I did grow up with family that had different taste to mine, but I come from a "we all get an equal share background-ish"; this girl was not.

Oh, it frustrated me that this girl could not see pass her own wants and needs.  I have dealt with selfish people before, but not like this. Sadly she was not the last. Oh the stories I could  tell you but that would not be very good idea, as it is messed up.  Don't get me wrong we did have good times and that summer was wonderful, just with a lot of dramas.  I hate dramas.

But now I have blocked most of those silly things and think of the good things that summer, like boys and independent living.  I guess this is just an introduction to that summer.

Here is the song I can't stand. 
Eiffel 65-Blue

My Regret.

Just recently I was thinking about what could have been? Then again I am one of those people who don’t have very many regrets, in fact I thought I had none.  But I do have one,  it was my dancing. I am a classically trained Ballerina, I loved it.  Too bad I never realised that I was actually good at the time.

When I was 14 and not skipping ballet class, I was approached by my newly appointed teacher (she was Swan dancer), and asked “if I ever thought about going full time?” I looked at her sheeply and dismissed her comment. I mean who was she telling me that I could be that.  But secretly I was elated.

I went to some of her intense classes and it was hard and extremely difficult mentally.  The work did come easy for me.  But I dropped out  a few years later.  Why? I justI felt insecure about my abilities, I mean there was so many other great dancers in my class. Little did they know I got this opportunity. I kept it quiet, never told a soul.  I could blame everyone for discouraging me; it’s not true,  but all I can do is blame myself for not telling any one for my opportunity, and gain support to pursue my secret dream.

Now nearly 15 years later, I miss it.  I wish dance was all around me.  I love it.  I think back to the times I had fun, whispering to the girl next to me about how strict our teacher was, or what was that dance step?  But most of all I miss the breeze when you move gracefully like a swan, and feeling graceful. I wished I said “yes”, right then and there at 14; I didn’t.  I guess this is what you call regret, huh.

Living In Stupid.

I want to be living in stupid.  Yes, I have to admit it, but I just do.  

I heard some one called them self living in stupid the other day.  It made me smile.  Its not everyday you hear this, just living in stupid.  But what is stupid? Wikipedia says lack of intelligence; Dictionary.com says it is an adjective, lacking in quickness of the mind; dull or foolish; or the noun informal - a stupid person.  Hmm I don’t get the last one, I guess I am stupid. ha-ha-ha.

But I don’t want to live with ones wits, all the time, that’s just dull or stupid.  I want to be free.  I want to be like Spongebob Square Pants.  People think he is stupid and yes on the outside he seems to be stupid.  But really when you think about it, he is living the life we all want.  Happy and free.  

So what does this mean? I want to live like Spongebob Squarepants, basically he is my mentor.  He is what I aspire to.  He is living the dream we all want to live. Now you say, but what does he have? Let me tell you he has a everything. He has friends and family who truly love him and a job he he really loves and the best part he is truly happy from the inside out.  Go Spongebob.

Because when you think about it, he is not stupid at all. He’s the smart one. Dam!

Home

I am far away from my hometown, probably one of the most furthest points I could be.  But thank god for technology, so I can keep in contact with my friends.  But when you make a decision to leave, it is a big step.  Not for one year you are leaving or even two, but it is forever.When do you know that you are leaving?  You just know, deep down in your soul.  In fact I have moved to several countries.  

The first memory I have of ever knowing this was when I was a child in the school playground, called the “Paddock”.  So there I was on the grass looking up at the sky and then to my friends, smiling at them.  I knew right there that I will not complete Primary School or attend High School with them.  Guess what I was right.  I left a year or two later: another country.  To a country I call hometown, I grew up there.  I have wonderful stories and sad stories too. But ultimately it is my hometown.  But deep in my soul I knew I would not live there forever and everyone knew it too.

So, I grew up.  I met a boy and followed him to the other side of the world. And I live there now, I did run back to my hometown, my relationship did not work, but hometown slapped me and said “this is not the place for me anymore”. Devastated! So I sat on the couch, waited for my Taxi Cab to come home. On that plane I went, that long haul flight; alone and scared. I was thinking “would they accept me back?” They did. They loved me. I am sold.  

I look back at my hometown, knowing I will never get back there.  It was the past, now I am the future. I am at home.

Sweeping Fire

Do you remember the first look? The the first glance that when you look at each other and feel like a sweeping fire. I do.

I was dragged out by my friends one night, I liked this boy, but he did not like me. The boy I liked, introduced me to his friend, Leo (not his real name).  I remember Leo sitting there with a beer in his hand and relaxed.  I looked around, he looked up, smiles and offers me a seat next to him.

Being new to the group, I was feeling awkward, they were talking about some party and the places they were going to, when they finish their last year of high school exams ever.  I felt sad, so Leo asked me why I was so glum.  I proceeded to tell him.

“When school is finally over, no-one is going to be around to celebrate my 18th birthday”,
he gasps, “oh, what! When is it?”
“The 4th of December”, I replied meekly.
“Well, I will be here, I will come, just call me”, as he points to himself, of course I smile back and
walked away, with out his number.

As the months went by, 5 months actually; my birthday arrived, my friends were there, I felt depressed. I asked a friend to call his friends to see if they want to come out and have a few drinks... Cos I am now legal to go to a bar, even though it never really stopped me before. My friend passed me his phone...

“hello?”..
“Hi! Happy Birthday!” Goes the cheer.
“Huh, Oh My God! Hi! You said that you will come to my birthday, it is my birthday, come! You promised”. I had no idea who he was, but I remembered the conversation that we had.  I forgot what he looked liked, that's what I mean.

He came.

There he was, with his friends and including the boy I use to like.  I knew it, I just lit up and was pulled towards him.  I feel my eyes go brighter, I smile larger.  His eyes were like electric and his smile was radiant. It felt like, it was, two worlds pushing and pulling together like a dance. And my heart? Like sweeping fire.