I have suffered from crippling chronic self - esteem issues. I was a chronic exercise junkie, serious dieter and a terrible people please-er! I couldn’t do it. I ran my self to the ground trying to be what every one wants me to be I forgot to be me.
Everyone says, “well it’s because you had a kid at such a young age, you’ve kind of ruined your own life”. My kid? Is not the root of my problems? Never. I love her. But instead of saying that, I try to be perfect! Having the perfect hair, the perfect clothes, the perfect body and the perfect personality: a doer. Does denial ring a bell.
Little did I realise I was just losing more weight and becoming more unhappy. Nobody noticed it, why would they? I was always smiling putting a brilliant exterior of a indestructible armour. My marriage fell apart, fell into another relationship (re-bound), got knocked back in work promotions and friends did not understand. So I left and went back home to find peace, but because I never dealt with my pain I just repeated the cycle of self abuse. Went to full time work, full time single parenting and full time mess.
I remember I was talking to someone about my day to day life and they all said “why are you trying to be super girl!” I’m trying to be perfect? No, I’m not. I still have so much to do to keep up with everyone. Hear that line “keep up with everyone”. I was disgusted when I heard that. They don’t understand, they are totally together. But little did I know more crap was about to happen. Why? Because I never dealt with my mess. Not even a cry in the dark.
One day a boy, checked me out, and liked what he saw. And I felt sick to my stomach about it. I looked down at myself and I was barely holding myself together, I mean there was nothing left of me, just a shell. Not just physically but mentally too. I was outraged that he found me attractive. I was a mess. So I ran home and thought to myself I have to do something about.
So I started to change at 26.
Everyone says, “well it’s because you had a kid at such a young age, you’ve kind of ruined your own life”. My kid? Is not the root of my problems? Never. I love her. But instead of saying that, I try to be perfect! Having the perfect hair, the perfect clothes, the perfect body and the perfect personality: a doer. Does denial ring a bell.
Little did I realise I was just losing more weight and becoming more unhappy. Nobody noticed it, why would they? I was always smiling putting a brilliant exterior of a indestructible armour. My marriage fell apart, fell into another relationship (re-bound), got knocked back in work promotions and friends did not understand. So I left and went back home to find peace, but because I never dealt with my pain I just repeated the cycle of self abuse. Went to full time work, full time single parenting and full time mess.
I remember I was talking to someone about my day to day life and they all said “why are you trying to be super girl!” I’m trying to be perfect? No, I’m not. I still have so much to do to keep up with everyone. Hear that line “keep up with everyone”. I was disgusted when I heard that. They don’t understand, they are totally together. But little did I know more crap was about to happen. Why? Because I never dealt with my mess. Not even a cry in the dark.
One day a boy, checked me out, and liked what he saw. And I felt sick to my stomach about it. I looked down at myself and I was barely holding myself together, I mean there was nothing left of me, just a shell. Not just physically but mentally too. I was outraged that he found me attractive. I was a mess. So I ran home and thought to myself I have to do something about.
So I started to change at 26.
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