Connection

Loving your friends is the best thing you could do for them. Great friends are hard to come by. Friendship is not something that’s just purely physical we live in the age where a connection is beyond our wildest dreams. Humans have done what we have always wanted to do. Connect to the next level.

Since the dawn of time we have, wanted to be part of something, something bigger than ourselves, be part of something bigger. And deep down I think we will. The internet has played a massive role in this. The thing is I’m going back to the start, I’m going back to where two people wanting to be with each other and be more; then create more. This is our start. Our start to be something bigger, call it reproducing to save our species or an act of God or just us longing for the warmth of “We are not alone”. Whatever you put it down to, it part of our souls to be.

People say that our internet connection is what connects us, yes this is true, it’s faster but we’ve always had done it without the whole technology thing. Because first and foremost our true essence of us will always find a way to connect, whether it’s travelling long distances, phoning them, writing a letter to them or just simply talking to them. A connection is stronger than anything else. We all have strings and those strings connect us to many people. When we do leave them physically they are still part of our beings and we learn from them. From the past experience we move on to the next level. So, we connect to the next level with another, surrounded by boundless waves of being. And then we start to love, we start to love on all levels because we are part of something bigger than us. For it is “WE”.

Forgiving Your Mother; For Your Future

I’m forgiving my Mother. I need to do it. I need to do it, for I want a future. A future that is bright with happiness. I have lived in the darkness for so long, that I my eyes are only suited for the darkness. But that’s not me. I am a person that loves the light, yet I see dark.

Everyone that knows me personally would understand that I have a bad history with my parents; this is not an uncommon thing to hear. In fact lots of people are currently going through and living this. It is really easy to not to forgive the trespasses that your parental units have dealt you. And it’s really easy to run away from them and live on the other side of the world and have an itinerant lifestyle. Boy, it is fun doing this, truly it is.

What happens when you see everyone happy? And they have their act together? But don’t you have your act together? Nope, you don’t! The past is controlling you, in the now and future. I don’t like that the fact my past hurt is controlling my future happiness. I want to be happy, like? So I’ve decided to forgive her. Okay, I’ve not actually said the words, but I’m building the relationship that I she burnt down. It’s hard work. It’s painful work, yet I know it will be worth it.

So now you are telling me, “Why, should you do all of the hard work. Why should you take the first steps, shouldn’t she and crawl back to you?” well no! It should be me. I’m younger, I will live longer. My future hasn’t even started yet, hers has; its half way and nearly done. See? It’s me that has to start. I’m talking about my life here.  I want is happiness. And that means biting my tongue and doing the hard work. You see when you think about it, it’s not about forgiving her and letting her have her past action get a pardon. It’s more than that. You are building your future; you’re future relationships of the future. She is your start in life and now you have to complete it; by going back to the start.

Are You My Friend

So last night I put someone on "Restriction" on Facebook, because I've realised they weren't my friend. They were just pretending to be my friend. I can't exactly get rid of him, because well I'm friends with his friends.

What makes this strange, on my birthday (which I invited him, because he asked me to), he never showed up, and I bumped into him later that night. He was sobbing to me to fix his pain. I fixed it. I thought he would wish me ''happy birthday''. He just walked away instead.

I put this down to, “okay he is a bit drunk”. And then he did his stuff and wished his other friends “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”, less than a week later. So now you’re thinking, Sunny you’re being sensitive again. Yes, I am a bit sensitive. But I did turn 30 and that’s classified as a big one, right? So in my mind, I have the right to be a bit sensitive, I mean didn’t I absolve his problems on my birthday? All I wanted was a Happy Birthday? And nothing else!

Sigh, I was so focused to be his friend that, maybe I never did read the signs that he never had any intentions of being my friend. Maybe all this time I was in the wrong.

So I’m back after a long sabbatical, I kinda needed it. I hadn’t realized that I was still grieving. Still am, but I’m feeling stronger enough to put thoughts onto paper. After many successions of pain this year, I’ve realized that I may have stretched myself a little too far.  And because I’ve stretched myself too much I let the ball drop and then let it crush me.

So now, I’m going to write a list and focus one thing at a time so that I don’t fall behind.

Happy Birthday Jamie.

It’s the afternoon and of course, Sydney summer is sweltering.  As we jumped on the trains and trammed to the Casino; tah-dah!  “It’s your Birthday Present! I’m going to take you GAMBLING!”  He was pleased, but unsure. His version of gambling is slot machines? No, thanks I’m an Eastern Suburbs girl, when we roll, we roll high stakes!

So, we exchanged our money for chips and we started betting at the tables. Apparently he had a system – a non-effective system by the way. As we bumper-carted the tables I was wining, wining, wining! He was losing, losing, losing.  So, I decided I will play with those pitiful slot machines to make him feel at ease. He still lost, as I won!  YAY!

Getting frustrated with me, I decided to throw cash his way; I was up by a grand! He still lost it all. You can still guess what I was doing! So he came up to me and said “I’m going to play it safe and pick red or black. I have one in two chances.” I replied that it was a ridiculous idea, playing safe. So, I revealed my system after he lost again!

“What day is it Jamie?” “Friday?”

“No. It’s your birthday silly. I’m betting your numbers. 16-11-79. Age 22.”

He replies with confusion, “really?”… “Don’t you know you are meant to play your birthday numbers They are your lucky numbers”...“Oh, shit yeah” He puts his last chip on 16, I did my birthdate 4. It landed on four!

Errmmm… We have dinner reservations, let’s go.

Standing the Test of Time

I've been friends with my best friend Stephanie, since I was a fresh face teenager. The truth is, we were never friends on the first day we met. Our friendship blossomed and took its time. I honestly believe that she is the only person I've ever did the whole relationship with another person, right.

When I first met her she was a mess; I was a mess too. Reaching into our teens was awful. We were both subjected to bullying and family life was not perfect. But we both had a friend in common, who was the opposite of us. This friend was consistent and grounded and gave us some tips. But Stephanie and I relationship stood the test of time. We taught each other art of laughter, being silly, kindness and healing.

As the years went by in our teens, we bonded and cared for each other. We also started to be real with each other. I still remember meeting up with each her, after school in the shopping centre eating donuts (something we both would never ever dream of admitting eating that crap now). Constantly roaring and laughing about something naughty, checking out other blazer school boys like us, blazer school girls. Most of the time they wouldn't look at us, we didn't care; we had milkshakes and donuts! The truest of fact.

We're now getting older, and hopefully a little wiser. We've gone through so much, but what breaks our hearts is the fact we live on different sides of the world. And everyday we look out of our window pain wondering, “what is she doing?” So, frantically we email each other on our phones about anything, but most of all our deepest darkest secrets. I tell her to be a little kinder and she tells me to stop dreaming. I'm a idealist; she's a realist.

Most of all she is my bestest!

Wanting to Shine

I was always the shadows. Always someone else, person. I never was invisible, I was always visible. I was always partnered up with someones identity. I’ve never understood why, in some ways I still don’t understand why I that happened. I do have a bubbly personality and I love to smile everywhere I go. I know I am happy person.

But growing up, I was stuck in the shadow, it’s cold and dark. People always called me any other name accept my own. I’ve always asked, “why don’t you remember my name, I’m louder than them?” The couldn't’ give me a response. I try to shine brightly, but people squashed it. Apparently l was not allowed to have this.

I remember, in high school people put butter and pepper in my pencil case everytime I stepped out of the shadow. I had a lot of incidences like this. I cried a lot growing up. But then the I meet a boy who taught me to stand up for myself. And everytime I crawled back into the shadow, he pushed me out there. But I always stayed under his wing. See, still in the shadow. Then the unthinkable happened. He left.

Alone, suffering and living in the shadow. Now, no one is forcing me in the shadow. I’m forced out in the sun. But I don’t wanna, cos, I don’t know how to? So, I look deep down in my soul to find the answers. And it told me to shine from within the shadows.

Here I am, starting to shine; hopefully. But I’ve noticed that the shadow is no longer a shadow, but a room and the room is no longer a room but open air. And with that open air  there is a whole world, people who are starting to shine out brightly in the shadows; just like me. I’m trying to connect with them. And they are trying to connect with me. I want them to walk out of the darkness like me. And shine and bathe in the sunlight.

Here we as individuals, no longer crying, no longer living in others dreams or ideals. We are free.

Where am I? I’m starting to shine. Brightly. Hey, I did start by adopting the name Sunny.