Broken Us.

So I went out last night, and it was unexpected. But as I was just hopping around from one place to another, my friend wanted to dance. Sure I'm all for it. But when you want to go the dancefloor and it's kind of dangerous and it smells, why would you want to be there, just becauce you think it's an easy access to meet guys?

So, I dragged my friend away from the dancefloor and come up to the open air terrace to meet people. She didn't want to, because her belief system is, “you can't meet guys like this?” I'm curious about this statement. I proceeded to tell her if you keep still and make yourself available you will meet a guy. She cries out “I am available, and I don't look like you!”

Okay I am a petite size, but there is hundreds of girls out there who are, but attracting a guy is not about being the hottest thing on the street, it's about keeping still and allowing the flow of your true energy reach out to the masses. Yes, I do send out that “I'm available signal”. But not I'M AVAILABLE! I just send out, I'm approachable for a chat, and I'm a bit silly too! I allow myself to glow from within. Or is that just me?

Anyway, as we were upstairs having a chat, she was still upset, because she wanted to meet guys at the dancefloor, even though some guy hurt her on the dancefloor and ended up crying. I'm confused. I don't understand why she would put herself in that much pain! I mean the dancefloor gave a whiff of bad egg smell, I thought that would have given her a red flag. But it didn't, she still continued to stay on the dancefloor to meet a guy. Even if it does seem like a really bad idea.

I guess us sisters are broken, I wish I could fix it. But I can't but I will just stand her guiding her.

Becoming an Adult.

I've been under a lot stress. I'm becoming an adult, this is very scary for me. I've always had someone to hold my hand and guide me; they were their to catch me, I trip quite easily. I don't know why? I know I can do it, I'm a fairly strong individual, I'm also quite hapless too.

Right now I've got bills to pay and I'm doing it properly for the first time. I also got a car with insurance on it -with my name on it, yes I did the research myself too. I feel glad. Its kind of like; I'm gaining self esteem. Strange huh? I wonder why this is. I am a very partnered type character. I'm always with some one. I guess this is the first time I am completely alone.

I think thats what it is. I'm on my own for the first time since I was a teenager. But can you really call yourself actually single when you are a child? You do have parents looking after you, feeding you and telling you what to do. I rather think not. You are still partnered, or reliant on others for your well being. So, really I've never experienced singledom/adulthood until now! WHOA, I'm nearly 30.

Now I'm nearly 30 in a few months, I've learnt how to drive and can drive. Paying my own bills, finishing off my degree in Business (finally) and gaining friends who are a lot more mature than I've express in my past 30 years of living. The only bad part about being an adult is the stress of it, but I like it. The stress has giving me independence and self esteem that I can do it. Finally.

Changing the way you look?

So you want to be loved? You think there is some one out there for you and yet you don't at the same time? So you sit there crying to your friend why you are not loveable and the friend tells you, you are. So what do you do? You wallow and change something about your self. But what change do you do?

I have meet many friends down the road and they think (including myself at some time or another), honestly believe that their looks will be the thing that will attract a mate of some sort. But it never does really. I mean, sure you could smarten yourself up towards the potential cos, thats part of it. But what I am talking about is changing your whole outside being. It doesn't make a difference, I could have bigger boobs, bigger arse and longer and blonder hair. The thing is, will it, still attract that mate you so desire? No. “WHAT!” You exclaim? Here I tell you why.

Thats not the real you. Nobody wants to be some one who is fake. People want the real you. The real you that has those crazy quirks thats unique to you and you alone. So you don't have big boobs and he teases you about it, but if he is confronted by a woman who has big boobs, it may make him very uncomfortable and off running to the hills screaming. Yes boys have their quirks too.

So I'm going to tell all of my friends now. You are beautiful just the way you are, and if you want to change? Change the choices you are making, change the type you keep on chasing and change the way you think of yourself. Be the real you.

Under the Sky

What did I do under that Pluto Moon Sky? (Moon in Scorpio). I did what people usually do, I hung out with my family. But there is a difference here, I have never really truly meet them. Only online or pictures. Sorry I lied, I have in fact meet one person, for a brief moment in time. And thats when we sealed the deal. We were the same.

I still remember when I walked in the doors of the hospital, my grandmother was dieing in her death bed, my whole world was ending. But then, a woman appeared; we did our introductions and she gasped out loud. “You look like my daughter”. Hmmm, okay crazy new Aunt? I have another Aunt? Wow, happy 18^th to me!

Lets fast forward to the present (A-hem 12 years later), in fact to this weekend passed. My family lives scores apart and so my brother, newly found Aunt with her 2 daughters and me with my kid, decided to Skype each other in different timezones. So here we are, lunatics talking to over each other and typing away to each others because we got bored and made fun of each others conversations. You get my drill. Just like family you see on the telly! Crazy happyland.

The funny thing is, technically we have not met in the flesh yet. Okay my Aunt has met everyone, lucky! But I haven't; left out... oh so cruelly. But here we are, talking like crazy, like we have always known each other from birth. Laughing. You know what, we have so much in common. I remember looking at my family before I ever knew them, knowing that there was something missing. A missing person in my life. And it was true, it was them!

So what does this have to do with Scorpio moon. Well, we all have a Scorpio in our astrology charts. And they are all conjunction with each other charts and to top it off, Scorpio moon in the flying sky. Family REVEALED, lonely past is burnt to ashes and our family Phoenix is born sky high.

Welcome to a new wave: Our Family. Yes, my daughter has Scorpio too!

Trying to write

What happens when your muse is gone? I find it very hard to write and punctuate what I want to say. In fact I've many, half written blog posts just waiting for me to complete, but I can't; I feel half full. I've got to get over this stump. So I am pulling out all of my tricks to the trade and do it. I don't if I will be able to get it right though.

It's so easy just having someone who will support you even if they think its weird or strange. I know so many people were very object to this blog. Thats including my muse. I guess what gets me stumped, I never appreciate him for his support and he is gone I'm lost. This makes me so sad and mad. But if he was sitting next to me he would smack me across the head, and tell me to finish it, with a huge sigh. That really bugged me, his sighing. HA-HA-HA-HA!

I will summon the strength to get it right for myself, be my own inspiration even if its the toughest thing for me to do. I'm trying to fix this problem, I'm not very good at fixing things, that was his job, But I'm good at beating the odds - my job. Maybe this is how I should look at it, beating the odds, because the odds are I will write; the odds are I will be inspired and the odds are I will fix it. How do I know this? I just finished my blogs post

She Smiles

I have noticed something funny, young love. The kind of one where they are too young to understand that they have a connection. So they play and chat together, just hanging out with each other because thats all they want to do. Life is easy.

I look at them day by day, she sits downs tells him stuff, he stand in front of her playing with his brand new ball then starts to sit next to her and responds to her ways. Oops, there's his friends coming up, he just waves and still sits with her. She smiles back. They both get up and start walking around the neighbourhood; the boy gives away his brand new ball to his mates to play with, just to hang out with her. They are sharing secrets.

The day is growing old and tired. But their moments have just being created. The street lights are starting to flicker, their names are being called in the background, its time to come home. She leaves first as her mother said so, she turns around smiles then waves good-bye; he waves back and both staring at each other until she turns the corner.

Its the next day, he knocks on her door and she smiles.

Convention

My mother was a  DJ and was good at her job. But she left that career choice for a life that was more “suitable”. She had children you know, and a single parent.  To me I thought this was a wrong choice, even though I was very young at the time, but I knew that this was my mother. Her true self.

She has taught me how to speak on a microphone, listening to the beats and rhythm of a song and compose myself in public, whether I liked it or not.  As the years grew and she did a 9-5 dead end job she grew more and more unhappy. Unfortunately this affected us as children, I guess having family members passing away didn’t help matters. But you would think this would have given her a wake up call to do the things you love: Life is short.  Yet it didn’t.

I feel for her. Because I know that most of her misery is due the fact she made life choices that was deemed as conventional, and when you are a unconventional person, living the conventional life; life is hard to maintain. People around you suffer, like us kids did.  We never got to know our mother as a happy one, well she was only around for a short time. I only know her in my mind as “miserable”.

So now I am making life choices, I have to decide whether I follow my dreams - unconventional  choices or do what is conventional by society standards. I think I am going to learn from my mother mistakes. Take the route thats tough and scary. I may get a few fingers wagging at my face, though.

Life is short, you know?