Nun lessons

Oh Gosh! There is a Robin outside my window!  I had a teacher in Primary School that had a pet Robin growing up. Huh? You can have pet Robin, strange?  But none-the-less, she did.  She lived in Ireland as a child and then became a Nun.  She was a strange, yet lovely lady who had a very strong personality.


She loved me this Nun, I was all over  the place and lived in a magical world (in my head) and she knew I was super shy but kind of crazy.  So, she took me under her wing to coach me to be strong, she knew that I would not be able to do this by myself.  So when I got in trouble for being not speaking out, she would point this out to me and showed me how to be strong.

I remember this one incident, I could not spell embarrass; just sat there at my desk.  Too scared to move, the end of the lesson was nearing and was forced to come up. I approached her desk, stumbling to say the words.

“Yes” she looked at me
“C-c-can you help me p-p-please?”, as I handed over my red spelling book.
“Whats the word, and how does it sound like?”
“Innn-baareess? It starts with an I?”
“EEEM-barraaasss!” she slithers out.
“Huh”, so confused? “Well Sunny, you just can’t stand there all lesson, if need something you have to ask straight away otherwise you will get no where! You need to stand up.” Then she proceeded to spell the word for me, and I completed my work quietly.

The next day, she put me in Choir and Cross Country. I had to perform and compete in front of everyone.  Now some people will say this is cruel.  But it was not, it was for my own benefit. And because of her, I would have never learnt to stand up for myself and lead a life I want to lead. She is my favourite teacher, even if she scares me to this day.

This was her favourite song.
Rocking Robin. Yeah I know the words to this song.

Hmmm Bullies

There has been a lot of crazy things happening lately, people are being their darker side.  Calling me names? Hmmm whats up with that?  I am not going to take it personally, I just going to remove myself from it.

But what do you do when a near and dear friend is turning evil on you? I look at myself first, maybe I said something wrong? But no, I did nothing of the sort, just being happy and jolly.  Then right then and there she cut me down and made it to a joke about it.  I don’t think I am going to deal with this any more.  What  will my mother say?... Okay, bad example she would look at both sides and say "I should fix myself first!" Ahhh No! Wrong answer.

I have been subjected to bullying before and I don’t bully back. Now we have Facebook and they want to friend me! Sorry I won’t, cos I remember!  Back to my friend, she is going through some tough stuff, but I refuse to be her punching bag.  And if you call up on them, they go all cry baby about it and twist it on you.  I can’t tolerate this behaviour. I am too old for this.  

You know I get, bullies have been bullied; that’s not me. I have been bullied and I refused to bully and to be bullied.  I won’t, I am an adult. I will take your nasty ways and turn it into some thing better. I will walk out with head held high and become stronger. Not going to lower myself.  I will fight back, in a different way.  Just wait, watch my space!

That song, that summer.

I am listening to a song, from my childhood.  This is not a song I like personally, it was a song a friend of mine loved.  And through this song it has given me my summer from way back then. Yes she played this song non-stop!

Everytime I hear this song I am transported to being 17/18 at the time; the summer was hot that year, heat waves and boys.  But most of all, I had to learn to deal with other peoples tastes.  Yes, I did grow up with family that had different taste to mine, but I come from a "we all get an equal share background-ish"; this girl was not.

Oh, it frustrated me that this girl could not see pass her own wants and needs.  I have dealt with selfish people before, but not like this. Sadly she was not the last. Oh the stories I could  tell you but that would not be very good idea, as it is messed up.  Don't get me wrong we did have good times and that summer was wonderful, just with a lot of dramas.  I hate dramas.

But now I have blocked most of those silly things and think of the good things that summer, like boys and independent living.  I guess this is just an introduction to that summer.

Here is the song I can't stand. 
Eiffel 65-Blue

My Regret.

Just recently I was thinking about what could have been? Then again I am one of those people who don’t have very many regrets, in fact I thought I had none.  But I do have one,  it was my dancing. I am a classically trained Ballerina, I loved it.  Too bad I never realised that I was actually good at the time.

When I was 14 and not skipping ballet class, I was approached by my newly appointed teacher (she was Swan dancer), and asked “if I ever thought about going full time?” I looked at her sheeply and dismissed her comment. I mean who was she telling me that I could be that.  But secretly I was elated.

I went to some of her intense classes and it was hard and extremely difficult mentally.  The work did come easy for me.  But I dropped out  a few years later.  Why? I justI felt insecure about my abilities, I mean there was so many other great dancers in my class. Little did they know I got this opportunity. I kept it quiet, never told a soul.  I could blame everyone for discouraging me; it’s not true,  but all I can do is blame myself for not telling any one for my opportunity, and gain support to pursue my secret dream.

Now nearly 15 years later, I miss it.  I wish dance was all around me.  I love it.  I think back to the times I had fun, whispering to the girl next to me about how strict our teacher was, or what was that dance step?  But most of all I miss the breeze when you move gracefully like a swan, and feeling graceful. I wished I said “yes”, right then and there at 14; I didn’t.  I guess this is what you call regret, huh.

Living In Stupid.

I want to be living in stupid.  Yes, I have to admit it, but I just do.  

I heard some one called them self living in stupid the other day.  It made me smile.  Its not everyday you hear this, just living in stupid.  But what is stupid? Wikipedia says lack of intelligence; Dictionary.com says it is an adjective, lacking in quickness of the mind; dull or foolish; or the noun informal - a stupid person.  Hmm I don’t get the last one, I guess I am stupid. ha-ha-ha.

But I don’t want to live with ones wits, all the time, that’s just dull or stupid.  I want to be free.  I want to be like Spongebob Square Pants.  People think he is stupid and yes on the outside he seems to be stupid.  But really when you think about it, he is living the life we all want.  Happy and free.  

So what does this mean? I want to live like Spongebob Squarepants, basically he is my mentor.  He is what I aspire to.  He is living the dream we all want to live. Now you say, but what does he have? Let me tell you he has a everything. He has friends and family who truly love him and a job he he really loves and the best part he is truly happy from the inside out.  Go Spongebob.

Because when you think about it, he is not stupid at all. He’s the smart one. Dam!

Home

I am far away from my hometown, probably one of the most furthest points I could be.  But thank god for technology, so I can keep in contact with my friends.  But when you make a decision to leave, it is a big step.  Not for one year you are leaving or even two, but it is forever.When do you know that you are leaving?  You just know, deep down in your soul.  In fact I have moved to several countries.  

The first memory I have of ever knowing this was when I was a child in the school playground, called the “Paddock”.  So there I was on the grass looking up at the sky and then to my friends, smiling at them.  I knew right there that I will not complete Primary School or attend High School with them.  Guess what I was right.  I left a year or two later: another country.  To a country I call hometown, I grew up there.  I have wonderful stories and sad stories too. But ultimately it is my hometown.  But deep in my soul I knew I would not live there forever and everyone knew it too.

So, I grew up.  I met a boy and followed him to the other side of the world. And I live there now, I did run back to my hometown, my relationship did not work, but hometown slapped me and said “this is not the place for me anymore”. Devastated! So I sat on the couch, waited for my Taxi Cab to come home. On that plane I went, that long haul flight; alone and scared. I was thinking “would they accept me back?” They did. They loved me. I am sold.  

I look back at my hometown, knowing I will never get back there.  It was the past, now I am the future. I am at home.

Sweeping Fire

Do you remember the first look? The the first glance that when you look at each other and feel like a sweeping fire. I do.

I was dragged out by my friends one night, I liked this boy, but he did not like me. The boy I liked, introduced me to his friend, Leo (not his real name).  I remember Leo sitting there with a beer in his hand and relaxed.  I looked around, he looked up, smiles and offers me a seat next to him.

Being new to the group, I was feeling awkward, they were talking about some party and the places they were going to, when they finish their last year of high school exams ever.  I felt sad, so Leo asked me why I was so glum.  I proceeded to tell him.

“When school is finally over, no-one is going to be around to celebrate my 18th birthday”,
he gasps, “oh, what! When is it?”
“The 4th of December”, I replied meekly.
“Well, I will be here, I will come, just call me”, as he points to himself, of course I smile back and
walked away, with out his number.

As the months went by, 5 months actually; my birthday arrived, my friends were there, I felt depressed. I asked a friend to call his friends to see if they want to come out and have a few drinks... Cos I am now legal to go to a bar, even though it never really stopped me before. My friend passed me his phone...

“hello?”..
“Hi! Happy Birthday!” Goes the cheer.
“Huh, Oh My God! Hi! You said that you will come to my birthday, it is my birthday, come! You promised”. I had no idea who he was, but I remembered the conversation that we had.  I forgot what he looked liked, that's what I mean.

He came.

There he was, with his friends and including the boy I use to like.  I knew it, I just lit up and was pulled towards him.  I feel my eyes go brighter, I smile larger.  His eyes were like electric and his smile was radiant. It felt like, it was, two worlds pushing and pulling together like a dance. And my heart? Like sweeping fire.