In the Cover of Night

So I have had a few bad days that has added up to, a few weeks. And its late in the evening, more precise, its midnight. And I am having another glass of white wine because I deserve it.

As my whole world has being crushing me, I realised I need to take a break and just let everything go. I put on my 90’s childhood music and drank some wine to get me in my silly dancing mood. That was a kind of fun till I got bored. My world has been very dark lately and nothing seems to be lightening up.

Then I hear a barking noise from outside.

It was my  dog, barking. I called her in and she ran away. So what do I do? Start chasing. In the wet grass with half a bottle of wine in my system. Running around, slipping in the grass getting filthy because the dog is slipping through my wet slimy hands. I can’t stop laughing. Why? It’s totally insane. So I do this for a few minutes in the cover of night, pissing myself with laughter on my own, filthy and my heart is pumping from all of this chasing. My dog decides it’s a game and she has her toy in her mouth. She play surrenders, then runs away. I catch her, whilst intoxicated.

I have come to realise that in our darkest moments there is light, it’s just are you willing to see them? I am, even when I am covered in mud; in the middle of the night. Or could be the fact I got a little tipsy silly too.

Meeting Love

I wonder if some people have ever experience “fated to be together”. I know I have; meeting someone under the influence of the fate sisters. Boy, we had fun, but in every happy moments, we had our losing moments. That was the hardest part. Most of the time I ran away and he ran towards me. I always needed to be saved, he was the Knight of Cups in shiny amour slaying my own conjured up dragons.

Oh, young love. It’s such a pleasure. I sit here laughing about it, with it’s glorious pain.

Now I am going to tell you that when you do meet someone, that is fated to be with you, your own soul speaks out to them and their soul speaks out to you. Even if you leave them at that moment, the soul wonders off looking for them and you just catch up, a few moments behind. Our human minds don’t understand this, we are not meant to. But then you have you ethereal side of you; who knows more than the universe it’s self. Guiding your deaf ears and blind eyes towards them. Really, I can go on, but I won’t.

Once you realise you are meant for more than a moment, your souls dances around the two of you and sings it’s song, while you’re fighting with your human minds because you’re both stupid. This does not mean that you don’t love each other, even if the world thinks so, you’re just both stupid. But once you stop creating dragons and he puts down his sword, life becomes a fairytale.

But didn’t you realise that you’ve been living by the sword and now you will have to die by the sword. He turns around and says “you have all you need to know”, and proceeds down to the draw bridge and gallops where he is needed, never to return. But he leaves his sword behind, just to remind you the good times and the bad times. So what do you do? You pick up the sword and slay your own conjured up dragons.

Lately I’ve noticed some bullying. People are forcing their ideals on me. Given the fact I am dealing with loss, I’ve have allowed it. So yes there is me to blame for some of this, but I know that I am being taken advantage of right now. Well, actually I was up until a few days ago when they mentioned my daughter. Thats a fast way to snap out of your twilight zoned brain.

After I woke up from my loss slumber, I realised whats was going on. People were telling me what to do and I just agreed! Thats not me at all! I like to go the opposite of what others think I should do. Because usually they are wrong. LOL.. I know, aren’t I bad?

Here I am fighting in my corner, this tiny little thing. And boy, do I have a voice and a mind. I was told by the person who recently passed that, when I fight, I go straight to the jugular; sure I have no fear. So I told those people the truth, honestly and simply in its beautiful rawest form. They have stepped back. Lets put it this way, I never raised my voice, nor rude towards them. After all I am a person who has manners too.

In the end, I am collecting myself and happy to do so. I guess, that these people never really took any notice of me before and now realise that I not a girl: I am a woman and a mother. Doesn’t that tell you not mess with me. ROAR!

Understanding My Dream

Last night I had a nightmare. I understand that there is a lot going on in my mind, dealing with loss and the aftermath of it. But thats another post when I feel stronger to write these things down.

My dream entailed a lot of horror flicks in it and then there was the doors. I was running through the doors and trying to hide for my safety and I couldn’t because the other person was pursuing me.  Now it didn’t end well; but it didn’t really end at all, to tell you the truth. The thing that I noticed from my dream is the fact there was many doors. Thick, bolted doors made from metal, some of them were made for storage refrigerators. Yes, this does seem strange.

What I noticed was, I have many hidden doors in my mind that I hide in. And the person pursuing me (most likely me) was trying to tell me to come out and deal whats coming. Now I understand that I have to, I mean we all do. The thing is, when you actually see your own doors and hidden rooms; it’s such an eye opener. I never realised that I hid so much of my self.  

It was my dark side of me, screaming at my light to come out. I was retreating. It explains why I have not been on this blog for a while. So sorry. Now I am going to come out and reveal to the world more  about myself and not to retreat. It is so easy to retreat and allow the dark side of your mind take over. Thats not me, I’m jovial: I’m a Sagittarius!

My Loss

So recently I have been dealing with loss. It’s hard. It does change you, you can feel it. I don’t know if I am ready to talk about it, I do feel fine, but crying all day and night for the next ten years,  is not going to solve anything or bring them back. I have cried till there was no more tears and now I have to get up from my chair and carry on.

I understand that every one grieves differently and I am not a wallow-er, this is not my style in fact I’m calm in a time of crisis. Some people may view this as cold or upstanding. But the truth is this is how I deal. To me I detach. I think this is wrong. I do feel, in fact I feel till I bleed out; I bleed out fast. And then detach. I’m trying to process the hurt and the pain into happiness. And tell people happy stories of what they were like, silly and funny. I try to celebrate them. I guess this is what you may call: What does a happy-go-lucky person do when dealing with a devastating loss.

The thing is, it is changing me, especially since this person was the main thing that kept me stable. And now I have to learn to be stable by myself. I am not going to fall from grace. No! I have a daughter. I have a family; her family died. We need to honour and do what he wanted if he were alive and that is to live and live your dreams.

Song for Jamie O'keeffe.