Monday, June 27, 2011

Grandfathers Gift

When I was 6-7 I stayed with my grandmother during summer months and spring months (this is my my birthday and Christmas time). My grandfather had cancer. A man in my memory; is dieing. I understood that when I was a child. The happiest memory I  have of him was me standing on his hospital bed showing off my new white laced dress with frilly socks and white baby jane shoes. I remember telling him “do like my dress?” He smiled. He smiled alot in the early days.

In the hospital my grandfather said, he wanted to buy a toy for me. I was happy about that. He then presented a soft toy, a Care Bear called Sunshine. It was bright yellow and beautiful and the latest must have toy, for all girls of my age. I was so pleased. He told me that this toy reminded him of me. I guess I was his sunshine? I hugged Sunshine on his hospital bed in my white laced tulle dress. But I knew it was impossible for him to get out of the bed to buy it. But his sister, my Grand Aunt, said that she bought it for him but he told her exactly what to buy. This is really all his idea.  I have no idea why she said that. Maybe I said something, I usually do. So goodbye I said, with my new best friend Sunshine. My first present and only real present he gave me, face to face.

I visited the place often and complained about the bad smell and why was he always tired. Then one day I saw him staggering in the hallway, one arm on the nurse and the other with a walking stick. He saw me; ashamed and defeated.  That’s when I realised he was not going to make it and the visits stopped pretty much after that. His smile now a frown and the to beyond.
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So it was time to pack up. I took my Sunshine on the airplane with me and buckled her in and said to my Mother she is my favourite toy and we’re going on adventures, thats why she is next to the window and we did. I currently don’t have her anymore as she is with my mother, but I have her and him inside my heart.

And thats why I nicknamed myself Sunny.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Selfless

I wonder if people understand what it means to be self less. Most people think it’s an act of sacrifice; I don’t. I think it’s an act of giving. But what is an act of giving? To me it’s a form of love, and when one person gives to you selflessly and you do the same thing, it is something of magic. I consider it as love.

I could go on about being selfless, but the words really explain it all. There is no hidden meaning, but I do think people do need to hear the phrase.

Just be selfless.



(Also I'm not telling you to be nice)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Fixed My Computer: Small Victories.

Lately I’ve been sick or something has gone wrong. For instances, my computer is sick right now or at least it hates me. So I’m currently praying for the Technology Gods or Communications Gods to fix it.  Or I could just erase everything on my computer and start all over again.  Sounds like a good plan, but I don’t know.

So it has put down in the dumps and I want to fix it, it’s not working. I know the best thing to do is call some one to fix it. But I always do that, getting someone doing it for me. But this time I will fix it myself as it is about time that I do. So off I’m going to find a solution.
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I fixed it!! OMG! It has taken me all day to do this. I went on the net a few times over to see what this means or what that meant. Eventually I got there.  I was so please and found out that it was some sort of virus; and I fixed it. This has given me a lot of confidence.

It’s strange how the little things in life can build confidence in you. I guess it is the little things in life that matters. I know that was typical to say, but it is true. I think this is restoring my faith in me again.  I’ve had so many knock backs lately, I need this little victory, oh hell, I’m going to bask in it.

I FIXED MY COMPUTER!!!!  I RULE!

Monday, June 20, 2011

My Styles Growing Up.

Oh I remember growing up, I had a new look every single minute of the day.  Being a teenager is very daunting and confusing.  I wonder sometimes what my mother thought seeing her daughter going from one look to another. Confused?

Since I was not allowed to touch my hair (until later) I did experiment with clothing. I went to hippie clothing to grunge to boys clothes to ravers all the way to geek chic.  But eventually I ended up as urban city chic at 19.  And thats when my friend Stephanie came into the picture to help me pick a look for myself. I started to look like a more together and sophisticated. Thank the gods I met her.

As I reached into my 20’s my life made a dramatic turn, I met my now ex-husband, had a child and moved to the other side of the world, still currently doing by the way.  With that, Europe introduced me to colours, shapes, patterns and drama. When I look at my clothes, it is a bit dramatic and subtle.  I say it has undertones, others don’t. I guess it’s abit old fashion but with a punch of flair. Eccentric for others.

When I was eventually allowed to cut my hair (16) I did everything that I could and it freaked my mother out.  I think she wondered if I would come back with hair at all.  I have come home with boy short hair. She was not impressed.  I guess it has to do with the fact she had very curly hair and well, I didn’t, besides my hair grows extremely fast and still does. The reason why I changed my hair so frequently is because I knew there would come a time that I will need to be sensible. Yuck. Right now my hair is a bob, a shaggy bob that has 1920’s-30’s feel. I kind of like this new look.

Now you are probably wondering why I’m talking about this. I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to talk about growing up. And finding your style in your appearance is part of it. I’ve had so many styles and proud of it too. I wonder what look I would have when "I like super old like??".

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Me and My daughter

I love the show “Gilmore Girls”, this is my daughters and I favourite song (we have plenty more).  We sing this song together. What is this show about, it is a show about a Mother and Daughter growing up together.  Yes thats us, we are growing up together and dealing with life unexpected throes, but discounting them; because we have each other to laugh at it, with our spiffy personalities.

She is such a pleasure to hang about.  She is so centred and aware of her surroundings and I am thrown by her intelligence. I was never like her:organised. Plus, she has this uncanny talent to think before she speaks.  I can tell you that I don’t posses this gift. She is like that character Rory Gilmore but with more punch to her. Yes, that my genes being passed on.

Now, me with her. It is wonderful, we don’t have to say very many words to understand what is going on in each others worlds. We are linked. Sometimes I forget that we need to say actual words because it can be a bad habit.  But when we do we just get each other. So many words and feelings are expressed when we are together, our eyes just connect and then we hug each other. Conversation is done. Then we sing together.

But then we have those moments where, I explain the world to her, it can be so harsh for this gentle soul. She is gentle inside and out. Where as I can handle the crazy. Then she has those moments that she thinks I’m horrible and so is the world.  So what do I do when I’m in that situation? I sing a song to her, from the bottom of the stairs, whilst she has the door slammed in my face.

I sing out to her, till she sings back a response. There is this advert song I call out to her. Called “Thats Just Me”. And then she comes down singing... “That’s just me”.  Life can be a musical, if you allow it, well in my life it is.

Trains

So this is the post after my Full Moon Inner Crazy, I feel calm and sombre. In fact my mind has transported me to a time where I was back home in Sydney coming back from a trip and exhausted.  I remember walking down the stairs of the train station in heels, of course, smelling the electrical air blowing in my face. Feeling lonely and rushed.

When you are on those Train Stations stairs and Platforms, you think to yourself, when is this stupid train coming, you look at your watch, then the timetable.  Tick. Tock.  Tick, until the time goes backwards for that split moment and then you turn around. Wind is pushing against you and the light gushing towards you, screech goes the sound of the train stopping; time moves forward. As the people fall out, you jump in, standing there with a blank stare of discontent. Your train stop, you fall out. Home is where you walk to. And repeat the cycle again the next morning.

I woke up one morning and said, "I won’t come to this cycle again". I don’t want to hop on a train and be a person who has nothing but discontent of being rushed and lonely.  I begged for the universe to change this for me. It didn’t. I had to change it myself. I made decisions that would alter my life, you know the ones where you become selfish. That’s what I did.

When I decided to get off that train, and start living for me. People were so angry with me that they turned their backs on me.  I figure that, they were not meant to be. But I don’t care anymore.  I’m not on that train of discontent. I got off it and stopped the cycle unhappiness. It’s about bloody time as I’m getting too old.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Full Moon Inner Crazy

Okay, so right now my brain is buzzing away with ideas and thoughts about things, you know things I want to write about.  But I can’t seem to formulate my thinking on this page. Well, that’s really a lie, I've re-written this post about a thousand times, and if this was paper I would have killed a small rain forest here and there. And that’s not very good on my moral consciences. Thank goodness for technology.

I’ve got no idea whats up with me. I’ve been kind of isolating myself from the world and yet I am on other peoples forums and blogs posting my ideas onto the world.  I guess I just want to say things in small doses.  Does that make sense? Maybe or maybe not.  Most of the time I’m just depositing myself of inner exploring of the mind.  Ohhhh.... I’m lost.  I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about. Gosh!

But I will tell you what I’ve been doing lately, listening to the music of my well spent misguided youth.  It fills my vessel with joy.  That’s it really. I guess, I’m just feeling. I wonder if anyone else is going through this. Just feeling, waves of feelings.  I love it you see, giving waves of feelings and receiving; in fact I just love the word wave, it such a movement word of wonder. ha-ha-ha-ha.

I think it must be the full moon coming up. Cos, I sound crazy, in fact this post is all over the place. I better go before the crazy hole gets deeper!

Monday, June 13, 2011

My Issues

I have suffered from crippling chronic self - esteem issues. I was a chronic exercise junkie, serious dieter and a terrible people please-er! I couldn’t do it. I ran my self to the ground trying to be what every one wants me to be I forgot to be me.  

Everyone says, “well it’s because you had a kid at such a young age, you’ve kind of ruined your own life”. My kid? Is not the root of my problems? Never. I love her. But instead of saying that, I try to be perfect! Having the perfect hair, the perfect clothes, the perfect body and the perfect personality: a doer.  Does denial ring a bell.

Little did I realise I was just losing more weight and becoming more unhappy.  Nobody noticed it, why would they? I was always smiling putting a brilliant exterior of a indestructible armour. My marriage fell apart, fell into another relationship (re-bound), got knocked back in work promotions and friends did not understand.  So I left and went back home to find peace, but because I never dealt with my pain I just repeated the cycle of self abuse. Went to full time work, full time single parenting and full time mess.

I remember I was talking to someone about my day to day life and they all said “why are you trying to be super girl!” I’m trying to be perfect? No, I’m not. I still have so much to do to keep up with everyone. Hear that line “keep up with everyone”.  I was disgusted when I heard that. They don’t understand, they are totally together.  But little did I know more crap was about to happen.  Why? Because I never dealt with my mess.  Not even a cry in the dark.

One day a boy, checked me out, and liked what he saw.  And I felt sick to my stomach about it.  I looked down at myself and I was barely holding myself together, I mean there was nothing left of me, just a shell. Not just physically but mentally too. I was outraged that he found me attractive. I was a mess. So I ran home and thought to myself I have to do something about.

So I started to change at 26.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Decisions. Me Everyday!

When I make decisions in my life I really think things through.  I separate everything, I mean, I look at everything in the emotional sense, spiritual sense and of course the logical and practical side of a decision that is needed, to be made.  Yes, I do all of these things when making a life moment decisions.  I think about all of the consequences and then see if I can combine them into one, if it is possible. Otherwise, I pick out one decision that suits me for the moment in time.  Presto! Now, I have to deal with what life has to dish out!

But here is what I want to show you about me.  My thought process of every day making decision.

Task: Orange Juice!
Hmmm I’m thirsty I want some orange juice. Hmmm do I have money to buy it? Yes I do! But fresh is best. Do I have any oranges, yes I do!

Hmm... Homemade juice or bought juice? But that means I have wash up if its homemade, but bought, is full of nasty stuff like sugar and stuff, plus it’s not all real and no cleaning involved. But fresh is best and it has all this natural health benefits, but so small in quantity.  ::Sigh:: To walk or not to walk to the store?

Screw it! I don’t even like Orange Juice, I’m going to have that fake fruit flavoured sugar syrup and then douse it with water! My fave!

There you go, that’s me in a nutshell, I’m all nuts in my head! hahahhahah

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm living for me!

I’m a dreamer, an idealist, I can’t help it. I float around believing that anything is possible.  I get a rough time about it, well mainly put down by it.  Too many times I’ve been told that this is the wrong way to behave and to be in life.  I don’t know why? Because isn’t the world already harsh enough.  Yes, I can get be very realistic, logical and practical! For work purpose only, who still has manners.

Honestly, I carry this dreamer idealist ethos in my soul. Where ever I go. People see this and think I’m nuts (who are jealous), others think it’s a breath of fresh air.  I don’t really care what they think about it.  I know deep in my soul it makes me happy.  After all isn’t that what we are all looking for? Happiness.  The thing is, happiness is not from a person or thing that you can obtain. It’s from within. Your silly limitless possibilities of solidarity. It’s great you should try it.

I really can go on and give more details, why it is so great. It had taken me such a long time to share this with the world, because it is so harsh, no! The people in it are harsh, not the world.  The world does not judge: only the people. Besides I’m going to live for me, not for you! So live for you!

I love this song, it always make me smile.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Your Name

What’s in a name? Does your name hold a magical key to your life? Does the name your hold power.  And does it describe you?

I remember in High School my English Teacher was discussing about names one day.  And she admitted that she like a certain type of name and how she does not like it shorten.  She claims that if you shorten or allow people to shorten your name you are giving your strength/power away.  I do believe she is right in most ways.  But what happens if you have a really complicated long name like myself?  My mother is a closet hippie.

I’ve shorten my name to suit my personality type.  Because my birth name does not really represent who I am as a person. In fact I’ve had a few name changes due to my life path.  So, as I got older I choose what I choose and that's it.  To me this is my real name, my full name in my eyes.  This is how people see me. My representation.

I do believe that what people call you, is some form of evoking a spirit claimed.  When you think about it we pass on a name from one generation to another to stake our claim upon this earth.  Don’t we say? “I’m a (name), thats who we are”. See, a state of claimed power.  Look at the Royal families and the Wealthy.  Their names are a reckoning.  Their name describe a path that must be taken. Have you followed your family names path. Good or Bad?

I know you will say, “but my family are drunks and blah, blah!” I’m talking beyond that, the ones that know who they are, and where they come from; your essence. People can pass on genetic material easily but passing on a name, and holding truth and strength behind it, that's something else all together. That's latent.

When I go out there in the world of Real Life, I state my First name and Surname with PRIDE. Because I know who I am, where I come from.  My name has power in it, it has created a path for me. I will echo my name to reinforce myself as a person.  You can tag me what you want, but I will state my name, C-L-E-A-R-L-Y. My name is me and it holds the real truth about me.

What does my name mean in modern day English? Song in the Woodlands.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Summertime and Youth

I love summer.  I have no idea why, but I just do.  I guess, I as raised in a warm country where the beach was always ready and the waves constantly crashing at the seams.  Magical...  Some of my fondest moments was when the wind was whip lashing my hair against my face, and me, worrying about the state of my hair and thinking, “please look normal, please stay in one place.” Then I would forget about it as soon as I see my friends. Ahh... Youth.

I guess this is where I kind of hung out in my teens. Hanging out in the warmth.  And being a teenager means, crazy hormones, crazy out bursts and loving life too its fullest all whilst rebelling against anyone with authority.  I was a 90’s child, the era coming out of the 80’s with bad hair and bad clothes.  Ours? What I remember was so bright and tender and lots and lots of glitter on crack! Of course there was the colours; aren’t there always colours? In your hair, on your clothes and all over your eyeshadow make up.  My make-up colours was silver, gold and red.

Oh the 90’s, I think we desperately wanted to be the 60’s.  But we weren’t, technology was starting to take over and life opened new possibilities, but most of did not see that.  We were young and stupidly beautiful children.  Oh, I remember, my strings of my heart are being tugged.

My life then, seems like a million miles away in the my summer day dreams. I can hear the insects buzzing and the grass just been cut causing my hay fever to storm. But what now? Now my life has gone through some sort of tornado, life as a teenager is vastly different to an adult. Being an adult really does suck, but so does being a teenager, because you have parents and acne (okay I did not really have any acne, but I had stuff too) and don’t forget the school assignments. ERK.  Nahhh...  Now I have taxes and bills. Some trade off for freedom.

Even so, life is great, because it gives you little gifts in life, your memories.  The great thing about memories is that it can be triggered over and over again. And if you are lucky and you have a positive affiliation like I do, you can relive them over and over again. Like I do, when it comes to summer.

Ahhh... Summertime and Youth.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Road Maps and I Can't Read'em

I can’t read road maps, yes, it’s true. All my life I could not read one.  I went to great schools but it was something that I could not pick up.  And my mother did not find this out till I was 25 years old.

Here is a quick story of how my mother found out I could not read a map.  We were in the car and we had to go somewhere out of our comfort zone area.  So she went as far as she could, till she needed a map to guide her.  Since she was driving, I had to read the map for her.  The map for  Sydney is a giant text book with hundreds of maps inside of it.  I did my best to guide her..Er.. Left, Right...Um... wait I have to flick to page 230... Now turn left here.  We ended up at a school with a no through road sign.  We were meant to be at a shopping Mall.

My mother of course, flipped out and started screaming because we were running late and blah, blah, blah.  And then once she cooled down she asked me where we were on the map and where is the direction I was trying to lead. She started to go crazy on me! Because what I was pointing to was highways and railway lines, not roads. She turned around me and said, “can you read maps”, okay maybe that was more of a shout.  I did not have to say anything it was written on my face.  

As you can imagine my mother was giving me a quick lesson on “how to read a Map!” With in a space of 2 minutes, all whilst; muttering to herself about how I the school systems have let us down.  But seriously it’s not their fault, it’s something I can’t do. So there you go. At 25 I could not read a map, now at 29 I can, just barely. Well, at least I know how to tell what is a road and whats not a road.

Yeah, I am on a road; not a track.